Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Lovely my Ass

“You always get what you give”.
There’s certain true in there, at least that’s what I thought. For my own good I should start re-evaluating my own beliefs.
If you read a couple of entries here you’ll know I love comparing every single thing to sex. It may be a gift or it may be proof of how immature I am, but I do it. I can’t explain it, sex is sexy. And I usually don’t have a lot of problems with it, since I (most of the times) know when and where is it appropriate to do so. The thing is, a lot of guys work like this: “She’s joking about sex, therefore, she totally wants to fuck me… DUDE, I’M SO IN!”
Don’t get me wrong, I’m flattered guys would “hit it” with me. But if someone jokes for the seventh time about how sexy would it be if I just take off my bra and start running around aimlessly I’ll start feeling a little bit like a slut. I don’t like feeling like a slut; unless, of course, we’ve discussed it previously (kudos to me for just ruining my credibility).
Every time I state this problem people’s advice it’s always the same “Tell him to go to hell”. *whimper* I can’t do that. I’m a wuss… And I blame my mom, she was way too nice to me; taught me all these nonsense about kindness, and to always say please and thanks.
I admire girls who can turn into bitches in 2.7 seconds. I have wet dreams about becoming this rude woman, who is able to improvise snarky comebacks and always dress fabulous… Whatever, I already accepted that it will never be me. There is, however, a nice way of dealing with annoying people; strategy I know well. In this new RealityTv world we are living, there’s something more hated than bitches and jerks: Boring people. I just completely shut off, I answer everything as if it was a “yes or no” question and I don’t even try to come up with a joke.
That always works…! Unless I’m dealing with horny boys. You see, these days, men can live without knock knock jokes while they’re having sex; shocking, right? That’s why, if they’re looking for a quick fuck they won’t give a damn if the girl is entertaining or not.
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And there it is, proof. Neither my two word answers nor the big “I-Couldn’t-Care-Less-If-You-Live-Or-Die” tattoo on my forehead kept this dude from having a conversation with himself.
I guess I’ll just have to live with the fact that my sex jokes send a “I’ll sleep with anybody and include a set of ginsu knives for free!” vibe.

Now… Wait… I can’t stop staring at my creepy collar bone. It’s the position, I swear... I hope.
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Here! … Suddenly I feel like me, my webcam pictures and my inconclusive rants belong on myspace.


  1. I can't get the meaning of that conversation (or monologue, if you prefer) since I can only understand two or three words, tops, but at least the pixelated guy seems clothed.

    Not only your strategy isn't always effective, but there surely is a fetish somewhere about uninterested and drone-answering girls, so it may even backfire.
    "oooh, yeah baby, tell me again how you don't give a damn!"
    "on a second thought, don't tell me anything at all! Yeah, just keep looking at a vague spot on the floor as if planning to go groceries! Shake that apathy hon! Shake it!"

  2. I don’t think it matter what you say or do. If you are attractive guys are going to try to get you in to bed. The more of an ass hole he is the harder he is going to try. I say just carry around a tazer and let them know, no means no. Either that or find a friend that is a total bitch and hang out with her. It could be entertaining for you to watch her go off on some guy and rip him a new hole.

  3. There're a lot of sick bastards on the net who make me feel ashamed for being male.

  4. I wish I knew more spanish. I can sing a bit of "alla en el rancho grande" though. Anyway don't worry about guys like that. they will come and go all the time. But you will always find people that love the constant sex jokes etc but also make no assumptions about you. Men and women both. Be yourself, it's all any of us can ever be if we want to be happy. Oh, I also know "yo tengo cara de culo".

  5. Ain't It StrangeJune 16, 2010 at 5:16 AM

    I'd like to pretend that the picture of that guy hasn't been manipulated at all and that he actually just looks like a collection of blurry pixels in real life. It would explain why I can't understand anything he's saying at all, because he's some sort of 8-bit monster and it's not just because I don't speak Spanish.

  6. "I’m a wuss… And I blame my mom, she was way too nice to me; taught me all these nonsense about kindness, and to always say please and thanks."

    I totally see myself in this (ahhh christian education =) ) ...but it's worse since i'm a man... bah, like i say, i'm too good for my own good!

    But i really think you hit the nail in terms of what man think. My theory is to blantantly and politely tell him it's never going to happen and go on from there. If it doesn't really work you can just *block*

    PS: Why the hell doesn't this recognize my worpress identity... it sucks :S

  7. @federico. If the guy wasn’t clothed I would have either closed the conversation immediately or… wouldn’t be complaining about it. I guess in this time and age there are fetishes for everything huh? I would rock indifference if I wanted to.

    @Jules. I like the idea of carring a bitch with me. Once I did something like that, in a 3way videocall, but it’s the kind of joke where you have to be there so, forget it. Plan B a tazer, that sounds cool too.

    @horstkevin. Don’t worry, kev, I love men. A couple of weirdos won’t make me forget how awesome men are.

    @Chris. Thanks! I guess if some guy is desperate for sex will try to get it with anyone no matter what kind of jokes I make… Ps. Who teaches you those things!?

    @Ain’t It Strange. Don’t make fun of him, it’s an actual disease, and he’s patiently waiting for a girl who would see through all his pixels and sleep with him (just scratch out the world patiently). And don’t worry, Spanish is just a made up language.

    @pmcalheiros. Once I tried that with a guy. I told him I’m not the kind of girl who has casual sex, which wasn’t completely true (I have no idea what kind of girl I am) but I was trying for a nicer excuse than “You give the creeps and you’re just plain ugly”. He understood and we had a polite conversation for half an hour until he said “We would be more confortable in our underwear”… Oh! And a lot of people are getting this problem, try with the option of “name/site”, it should have exactly the same result.

  8. Es curioso lo que comentas, eso de que el hacer comparaciones con el sexo te califica automáticamente de inmadura. O que así debería ser.

    Curioso, porque cuanto más se crece más puertas nos ponemos, más tabúes asumimos y cuantas más puertas nos ponemos más maduros parecemos. Y no mola. Nada de nada. No debería ser así.

    El no hablar del sexo como si tuvieramos 15 años y lo acabásemos de descubrir es uno de esos tabúes. Y el caso es que es como todo: sabiendo cuándo y cuánto no debería ponerte en el patíbulo por usarlo.

    "-I admire girls who can turn into bitches in 2.7 seconds. I have wet dreams about becoming this rude woman, who is able to improvise snarky comebacks and always dress fabulous… "

    ¿De cuáles hablas? ¿De las que parecen más artificiales? ;) Nah, déjalas estar. En España tenemos un dicho: "Las mata callando". Un silencio a tiempo, bien tirado, obra milagros. :P

    Y lo de ser aburrida para espantar a los buitres: chica lista.

    Comparto la opinión de Jules. Basta tener presencia para estar liado espantando moscas todo el día. Y en lo del táser estoy de acuerdo. ¡Tiempos modernos! ;)


  9. Though if you were interested in someone who as a fetish for indifference, it would be VERY difficult to satisfy him!

  10. @Juanjo. Cuando me refería a las “bitches” no quise decir las mujeres hipócritas o superficiales. Me refiero a las que no tienen miedo de decir lo que piensan aun cuando podrían herir los sentimientos de los demás; ya si esto es una cualidad o un defecto es otra discusión, pero el coraje es de admirar.

    Lo de ser aburrida solo funciona con gente que tampoco esta muy interesada en primer lugar, en vez de optar por discutir o decir algo ofensivo, simplemente evito dar pie a una conversación… Gente (y ahora diré gente, porque mujeres también habrá muchas) que le tiran a todo a ver que cae, tendrán tan pocos estándares en primer lugar que dudo que la estrategia funcione.

    @federico. I was thinking about a joke about this but suddenly I realize that’s actually a pretty common problem. Boys who like bitches, girls who get obsessed over jerks… People love what they can’t have. Oh, the humanity.

  11. Hey! I'm new to this whole thing (blogging) and today I came across your blog and decided to follow. I completely agree with you about the sex thing. I feel fine talking/joking about sex and I've noticed that sometimes it gives people the wrong impression. I really hate the fact that people will suddenly assume you're a slut if you're a woman and you're comfortable with your sexuality.

  12. La estrategia de ser aburrida puede fallar pero como tu bien dices te ahorras un pastel incómodo evitando entrar en una guerra que no te place. Es un "win-win" lo mires por donde lo mires. :D

    Otra cosa es que el de enfrente sea perseverante: el mundo es de los pesados.

    Al respecto de lo de "bitches": No puedo decir que yo no sepa usar la lengua cuando debo pero para ser sincero tampoco es que me haya allanado la vida, todo lo contrario si acaso. La mejor solución es la indiferencia, bajo mi óptica. "Whatever", y a otra cosa.

    Supongo que con esto te estás refierendo al carácter. O a canalizar ese carácter a través de las palabras. Yo hace unos años era un chico terriblemente tímido al que le pasaba eso. Me vacilaban las chicas :D Supongo que me debí de cansar de ello y a base de mala gaita salió el lado chungo.

    De todas formas no tengo la misma capacidad de reacción en función de la persona que tenga delante. Si es buena gente, o al menos lo aparenta, soy incapaz de lanzar un dardo aunque se ponga a tiro...

    Aunque si cambiamos los papeles y me pones delante una de esas "bitches" de las que hablas es posible que lo haga encantado :P

    ¡Pero no es la forma! (¡Tregua! ¡La teoría para aparentar ser buena gente me la se! :D )


  13. @Bree. Hi, Bree! Hope you have a blast with the whole blogging thing. About the other thing, after discussing it with the guys here, I realize that no matter what we say, if a guy wants to screw you and he’s a jerk… Well, he will be a jerk about it.

    @Juanjo. Obviamente hake mucha diferencia el como te trate la gente o que tan bien te caiga.
    Aunque no sea capaz de ser grosera, si hay una persona arrogante o con cualquier característica idiota puedo odiarla muchísimo y evitarla cada vez que puedo; pero si esa persona se acerca conmigo y es amable, no puedo seguir odiándola… Incluso cuando esa persona siga teniendo esa característica molesta. Soy así de fácil.

  14. Men this days don't understand and don't know how to please a women. (Unlike me) I will please you even if I was joking or real sex. I'm still a virgin and I will still please you.

  15. I guess all I have to say is, thanks for the good wishes and congratulations on the big ego :*

  16. Are you recovering from an operation on your clavichord?

  17. Come on! Everybody has weird collarbones! Everybody… I’m just more honest about it.

  18. It's strange, as I have the complete oposite problem. When I was a kid, my parents nailed abstenance VERRRRY deep into my brain, and still uphold those vaules I was indoctrinated with as a child (also, I have a small penis and am embarrased to show it). However, my sense of humor mostly revolves around parodies, including sex puns. As a result, I will tend to tell a stupid joke (the the one I just mentioned above), and the girl (who I am just trying to be normal friendly with), thinks I am making a really lame come on, and gets disgusted with me.

  19. You have to remember that we still live in a sexist world. I’m pretty sure I’d get the exact same reaction if I was a boy; luckily, I’m a girl, and I get laughs even when my jokes aren’t that funny.
    Oh, and I know it’s not my place, but I have to say this. Any girl who has ever had any kind of pleasant sexual experience will know size doesn’t matter, what matters is how you use it.

  20. "luckily, I’m a girl, and I get laughs even when my jokes aren’t that funny."
    Oh come on, i'm a boy and i get laughs too. And i'm not near cute nor anything.
    It's kinda a social convention or something.
    I hate social conventions.
    BTW Lola, you're funny as hell. Keep it up.

  21. Me he dado cuenta que depende de que idioma me escribas, en ese idioma te contesto.
    Pues cambiare eso.
    Sí, la gente se rie por amabilidad. Pero creeme, es una risa distinta a la que yo obtengo cuando estoy en una habitación llena de hombres.

  22. You hate collarbones!? They're actually awesome. When you think about it.

  23. But mine is just freakishly weird in the first picture.