Sunday, August 8, 2010

Sonuvabitch

Fact: Getting an Spanish ID is harder than, as a girl, grow a small penis.

I already tried three times. Ok, first time the place wasn’t even open but still counts as a try.

Next try, I was there at 9 in the morning, behind a line of, at least, a hundredth people; it looked as the Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows midnight release (or so I heard… Err… Ok, I was totally there). An hour later a police man gave me and the rest of the losers around me, a number and told us to get lost for a while; it wouldn’t be our turn until a couple of hours (charming guy, that one). I was back in time to hear my number; I went something like this:

Mean Old Woman: This is the first time you’re getting an ID?

Me: Yes.

MOW: Where are you from?

Me: Mexico.

MOW: But you have Spanish Nationality?

Me: Yes. Here’s my Spanish Passport.

MOW: That shit is useless (I’m paraphrasing here). I need a Spanish Birth Certificate; they can send it to you via fax, so don’t worry about that. NEXT!

Whatever.

After a very disturbing and embarrassing call to my mommy she agreed to email me everything I may need.

Third Try. I arrived 30 minutes early now, that time there were only 50 people in front of me. After I got my number the same police man told me to get back in about an hour. Here goes a pretty boring story that I’m too lazy to write in details: I had to find a place to print my documents. Nothing was open. I had to trade my number with someone else to give myself more time (so waking up 30 minutes earlier didn’t help at all). I found a place. Blah blah blah. My number was called:

New and Even Meaner Old Woman: What’s this?

Me: Spanish Passport. Family Book. Mexican Birth Certificate. Spanish Birth Certificate.

NEMOW: I don’t need any of this, I just need your Spanish Birth Certificate.

Me: You also need to get laid but whatever (You already know I didn’t say that).

NEMOW: Where’s your Spanish Birth Certificate? WHERE?

Me: Woman, pull yourself together, it’s right there! (There’s also the possibility I just whispered a shy “there”).

NEMOW: Oh, right… We have a problem here. It’s not signed.

Me: It’s a three paged documents, it’s signed on the last page.

NEMOW: It should be signed on the first one.

-Insert here a short “but there it is” “I don’t give a damn it should be here” discussion-

NEMOW: Go to wherever you got this and ask them to sign it on the first page, you filthy whore.

Probably she didn’t insult me, but I wouldn’t know, by that time I already got up and walked away. I hold back the tears; and, when I was outside of the building I finally got the chance to curse them… In Mexican, they deserved a curse they wouldn't understand:

“¡Pinches pendejos! ¡Que no mamen!”

The meaning would be lost in translation, but it’s something along the lines of: Fuck those idiots!

 

Oh! As a totally unrelated note. I just saw a a 14 year-old girl grab the penis of a 14 year-old boy on the middle of the street. Suddenly, I feel as a stuck up bitch for thinking that my ‘showing-love-to-the-penis’ time was meant to be used on a privet or semi-privet place.

20 comments:

  1. ohno! sounds like quite the clusterfuck *hands Lola a cupcake*

    In the US, we have the DMV which is just like this. Anytime I have to go there I end up wanting to scratch my own eyeballs out because it's so frustrating.

    You should have taken a picture of the girl grabbing the boy's junk and submitted it to FailBlog.

    ReplyDelete
  2. bitter bitter mean women the ones that work those kinda of offices! I wish you luck on your future endeovors. =)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Veo que ya has conocido al inútil estamento del funcionariado español. No es solo a los extranjeros, si te sirve de consuelo. De hecho la última vez que fuí a renovar el DNI (hace unos meses) también tuve que volver días más tarde porque habían cambiado el procedimiento y era necesario pedir cita previa. La escena fué tal que...

    Yo: "¿Como que tengo que volver otro día?
    Funcionario: "Sí, sin cita no puedes pasar."
    Yo: "Pero si no hay NADIE ahora mismo, está vacío, he venido a estas horas por eso mismo..."
    Funcionario: "Da igual, chico. Sin cita no se atiende."

    Yo no dije eso de "pinches pendejos" (que algunos sí sabemos que significa... :P) sino un sonoro "menuda panda de hijos de p*ta" -tenía muy mal día- bien castizo y comprensible mientras enchufaba Slipknot en los auriculares a modo despectivo.

    Además, para liarla más se lo dije a un policía.
    A un policía nacional.

    Vamos, que si no acabé detenido fué porque él sí tenía un buen día...


    Y lo de la cría de 14 años me ha dejado a cuadros, madre mía. Les da igual todo y todos.

    Quiero decir, ¿quién no ha tenido jaleo a escondidas en un parque? Insisto: a escondidas... :D


    Juanzo.

    ReplyDelete
  4. haha oh man! Sounds likes quite a process. I hate places like that, everyone is so rude and impatient and blah. Well, good luck and I hope you get it soon.

    ReplyDelete
  5. It strongly reminds me of an Asterix movie.
    I'm quietly and sympathetically crying for you on my keyboard.
    I had to buy a new one anyway.

    Besides, when will your next match at the office be?

    ReplyDelete
  6. You can still burn the whole building down if you want to. Always remember. This thought might help feel a bit more relaxed.

    IIRC, it's a normal thing for the Spanish people to burn mean old witches from time to time.

    ReplyDelete
  7. "IIRC, it's a normal thing for the Spanish people to burn mean old witches from time to time."

    Yeah. Think about Lutero, Thomas Müntzer, Frankenhausen and all that stuff. Heiliges Römisches Reich.

    Dude, do you really want a flame war?

    Juanzo.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Seems like it's only you who didn't understand I'm just making fun. Relax!
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GdHFIgem2n0

    ReplyDelete
  9. Oh, my apologies then.

    You know, it's the kind of joke that is soooo hackneyed that is starting to be a pain in the ass.

    Sorry!

    Juanzo.

    ReplyDelete
  10. hahaha and I was gonna bitch about my first day of school

    Have you seen the new look Emma Watson has?!

    ReplyDelete
  11. @Calvin. It happened way too fast! I was taking a walk with a friend and we saw those kids making out, my friend just said “aren’t they way too young to kiss like that?” and suddenly… She grabbed his nuts. It was awesome.

    @Pedro Calheiros. Thank you… Apparently I have to wait 2 whole months for my new birth certificate… Whatever, that means I won’t have to face them in a while.

    @Juanjo. Si te hace sentir mejor, estoy segura que el mexicano no es mucho mejor.
    Lo mejor de todo (aunque no tiene nada que ver) es que, ya me estoy acostumbrando al acento, y pude visualizar tu conversación en español de España ;D jaja
    Ya no hay vergüenza, honey… Ya no esta de moda, supongo yo.

    @Bree. I guess just working there makes you a very bitter person… I take pity on them. Or at least that’s what I tell myself to do.

    @federico. Asterix? As… Asterix and Obelix? I don’t see how it reminds you of that. In two months, that’s how long it takes to get a new birth certificate.

    @horstkevin. If I had that kind of courage I would use it on other things… I don’t know, cracking a nice joke infront of a cute guy; that’s all I could come up with.

    @Fernanda dauphine. Well… I’m all lost and confused here.
    I just saw it! It’s quite nice isn’t? She pulls it off… Reminds me of Twiggy.

    ReplyDelete
  12. With no transition between:

    "Getting an Spanish ID is harder than, as a girl, grow a small penis."

    AND

    "I already tried three times. Ok, first time the place wasn’t even open but still counts as a try."

    I, at first, thought these were descriptions of your attempts at growing a small penis. And I thought to myself "there is a place where you can go to grow a small penis?! WOW!"

    And then I realized that this was simply my A.D.D. preventing me from reading the post as it was intended to be read. :)

    ReplyDelete
  13. Gah, that's a lot. I'm sorry.

    And yep, Asterix and Obelix, I was referring to this particular movie

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Twelve_Tasks_of_Asterix

    Specifically, the eighth task.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Don't feel bad, I tried more than three times to grow a small penis.

    ReplyDelete
  15. I was going to say something similar to Roy. However, A.D.D. isn't the culprit in my instance, it is the sauce to be sure. And possibly the 5am and not yet slept thing. But I completely thought you were trying to grow a small penis.

    Honestly, I don't think it suits you. I knew a guy once who had a small penis and you are polar opposite from him. But if you did grow a small penis I wouldn't discriminate against you. I'm cool like that.

    ReplyDelete
  16. @Roy. Man… You really cracked me up. If my post disappoint you somehow I apologize; there’s not much else I could do, since I don’t plan to grow any kind of penis… My vajayjay is working just fine.
    @federico. You surely had a very specific reference there. My entire family is a big fan of those comics, I don’t know why I haven’t read them.
    @Jason. Still nothing? You should really try for a huge one.
    @Kristoffer. That would be an interesting entry there… ‘interesting’ the key word. I guess growing a penis would give me popularity around here, but I’m pretty sure not the right kind of popularity. Speaking in a funny accent is the only gimmick I need right now.

    ReplyDelete
  17. I agree with Calvin.

    Sorry to disappoint, but the curse is perfectly understandable to most of the Spaniards.

    Growing a penis could be the right kind of popularity if you do it the same way than the girl at the end of the post. I mean, I guess the penis of the boy grew at some point in the process, and that's nothing but good.

    BTW: for those who think about the inefficiency of government employees try to remember that when speaking about privatizing and vice versa.

    Why am I here? I dunno, I wander though the internet. Time to focus on whatever I was doing!

    ReplyDelete
  18. Oh, I know they could understand me just fine. Most people in Spain actually expect me to talk like that… My blog mostly consist of failed sarcasm and an incorrect use of grammar.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Aquí en Argentina tienes que esperar entre uno y dos años para recibir el DNI. Y las filas al momento de ir a hacer los trámites son de entre 300 y 500 metros. Tienes que ir a las 4 am, y encima el empleado que te atiende es dos veces peor que el de tu historia (creeme, para insultar los argentinos somos mandados a hacer, podría llenar una biblia de la cantidad de insultos que conozco).
    So, i wouldn't bitch a lot 'bout that :P

    ReplyDelete
  20. En México es basicamente la misma historia.

    ReplyDelete