Saturday, September 18, 2010

My Sex Life is Lousy

I really shouldn’t tell people this… I mean, I really shouldn’t; but this would be a really boring blog if I just told you, people, things I should. So, here we go, let me just kiss goodbye the little self-respect I had left first.

The apartment I currently live on it’s not tiny, but it really lacks privacy… That’s why I’m glad that, while I’m still on summer break, I live with two guys who work and leave me alone on mornings, giving me… Some “loving myself” time. I guess everybody here can back me up on how uncomfortable it can be when you’re trying to masturbate (there! I said it!) while someone is knocking on the door asking you how much more time are you planning to spend inside.

After a mildly satisfactory experience on my brother’s shower (fuck… maybe our relationship is kinda twisted…) I thought about how different men and women have it on that area.

(Of course I’m not talking about the penises and the vaginas, give me some credit.)

Guys are pretty simple when it comes to their thoughts during the whole process. From what I understand, there aren’t even thoughts. Guys just grab a magazine, watch port or think about Megan Fox’s boobs, *insert a couple of faps here* and… Done. Which is great, yeah, whatever.

I can’t do that… And, since I know I’m not a special snowflake, girls will have my back here; just like in everything else in life, it’s a bit more complex for us. Ok, I don’t feel confortable speaking for the entire female race, so I’ll just stop now.

I just can’t ‘do’ an image, I need an entire situation, so I make up short stories for myself. Now, these stories have to make sense, have to have a beginning, a middle and an end. I just can’t be lying half ass naked on a bed, I have to start with the date before that. Even in my fantasies I get a bit offended that Jake Gyllenhaal carried condoms with him on our first date.

There are so much things I have to ask myself for the story to make sense. If a handsome police man decides to force my way out of a ticket, there must be a reason for me to be speeding up on the first place and why in the name of god did I thought it was a good idea to stop on a dark isolated alley.

Here’s a real life example of my train of thought (and god would I love if I was just trying to be funny).

Ok… I’m in a basement and I’m handcuffed to a- to a what? I need something that gives me the movement I need… A pole? Why on hell there would there be a pole in a basement? Old fire place? Stip Club? Ok, I can work on that later. How did she took me here? Did she planed it or it was spontaneous? If it was spontaneous why was she carrying on her purse handcuffs? Ok, it was planned… And if that bitch apparently has super strength she could also had taken the pole with her and install it on the basement. Perfect, problem solved! …No, wait. What kind of underwear are we wearing? Fuck, I’m going to need a couple of hours here and a Victoria Secret’s catalog.


  1. i definitly loled with this post... and also had an "awwww" moment!

    First of all ...i'm afraid to say, you're wrong! :o Those masturbatory rituals are not separated between male and female but are probably more about each persons personality.

    The proof of this is that i also like to make masturbatory stories. Nice ones. Let's say... best script of a 80's porn film! (probably better ones ...) XD If something happens with someone, i need to get the reasons, contexts and whys too! I'm guessing that i go to the hardcore situation a bit faster than you, but hey! i'm still a man... an in that, yes, we're a little simple!

    In the end i think it's about personality. I'm creative but very rational and logic oriented (and horny), so that can explain my "ritual". You surely have some traits that explain it to besides just beeing a female!

    In the end i see myself on one sentence you wrote... my sex life been lousy too! I wish for better days to the two of us (now that's not sto selfish is it??)

  2. I masturbated to this =P

    ... just kidding lol...

    interesting post by the way...

  3. I've always thought it was interesting that nearly every woman I've been really close to, has told me that she frequently thinks of other women while rubbing one out. Most of these girls are straight and have never actually had a sexual experience with another woman. It's all a part of the texture needed in the female fantasy. Without a doubt, women need context and plot (and possibly sub-plot and sub-sub-plots) to their special fap time. No matter how intelligent any particular man is, visuals will suffice. Albert Einstein beat off to black and white engravings of women in bustiers. Stephan Hawking whacks it to I was on a flight a couple weeks ago watching a cute chick struggling to put her luggage in the overhead a few rows up from me when some part of the case caught her shirt and a boob came flying out....I about jizzed in my pants! There are very many reasons why this is, and it goes way back in history. A caricature of it today is seen in monkeys. A male baboon will jerk off to anything that even resembles a female. I was at a hotel in Ecuador last year and watched a baboon jack off to a praying mantis (easily one of the most fucked up things I have ever witnessed). My point is......I forget what my point is. Oh yeah, my point is that women do tend to over think what they bate to....but there is a biological reason for that. You girls are responsible for selecting the proper mate and all that jazz. If it were up to us, it would be Dirty Debutantes #36 in every room we walked into, and that would make for a pretty shoddy gene pool.

  4. I think Pedro and Kristoffer's response, in juxtaposition, are a strong piece of evidence that Pedro is right.

    And FYI, I'm a man, and a visual alone is absolutely not enough for me. Nor is a few minutes. I need a story (and I'm very particular in my fantasies) *and* a visual. Either one alone will not suffice.

  5. @Pedro. Fine, fine, guys are complicated… I didn’t mean to offend you. I guess you’re right, it does depend on each individual, some like stories other go for memories… Each individual is a world, right?

    @chuck. Nice to be helpful, hun! (: And thank you.

    @Kristoffer. Once I read that, for girls, when they’re having s&m fantasies or just dominatrix stuff like that… it’s easier for them to picture other girl being the one that dominates them, since all that feminism, they would feel guilty even thinking a guy has that kind of control over them. Well, that’s what I heard, I picture guys as much as girls.
    About the rest… Yeah, we are the ones carrying a little fucker for 9 months. Better be worth it.

    @Anon. I doubt on this issue you can tell if someone is right or wrong… Just taste, if someone can jack off to an image and someone can’t doesn’t mean that they are wrong.
    I never thought guys would get offended for this whole issue.

  6. I have to agree with Pedro and Anon. I'm a guy as well and I need a nice fantasy as well. But then on the other hand people tend to tell me I'm a chick about 40% of my time. (I don't really deny that).

    Come to think of it: A good female friend of mine is actually less complicated than me. We are very good friends and talk about everything (I MEAN EVERYTHING) and I always wonder how easy it is for to just rub one out. She once told me that she was masturbating while she was in the library at the uni (well in a quite corner of course, but still in a public library) and that she just needed to think of a hot guy who just walked by in a really tight shirt to actually get horny...

    the world is complicated.

  7. problem solved.

    ps: I had a feeling that reading you wouldn't be a waste of time. This is great :D

  8. I have to agree that a large portion of sexual gratification for both sexes is mental. Without that mental stimulation neither sex can reach a climax. As an example, when my wife and I have sex if I actually think about when we are doing and focus on her in doesn’t normally last longer than 5 minutes. Now if I focus on something else, like what I have to do the next day, what are the steps for my next project, where are the areas I am going to run into trouble, than we can normally go for 30 to 45 minutes. By mentally detaching myself from focusing on sex I can draw out our sessions. After I am sure she is good and satisfied I focus in on her again and enjoy every last minute of it.

    As far as self sexual gratification, I do it just about everyday. I would rather have sex with my wife, but she doesn’t have a libido as strong as mine. So normally she likes sex 2 – 3 times a week, but I am horny everyday, so I have to resort to masturbation. My wife knows this and sometimes she will help me out but most times she just says she doesn’t have the time and I am on my own. In these cases I either just sit back and think of one of the mind blowing night of sex me and my wife have had, or I go on the internet to find some sexual material. This might take longer because I have to surf through all the images to find the right woman in the right situation. To this I added that I have several fetishes that my wife does not share, so in order to satisfy these needs I have to outsource to the material on the internet. I guess I told you all of this to prove that, yes the mental pictures and stories are what men need as well to orgasm, it’s not just a picture and physical stimulation.

    You can even test this theory if you like. Next time you get into a relationship and you want to blow a guys mind, put on some lingerie, soft music and mentally fuck him. Get in close, rub your body up close to his, but don’t sexually stimulate him. Tell him what you are going to do to him and what you want done to you. Rub his body and let him touch yours, but still don’t sexually stimulate him yet. Then when you think he is good and ready give him a little stimulation and I guaranty he will not last long.

  9. err... i was not ofended at all :O. Dunno how that came across in my post... sorry! I was just disagreeing (in my mind politely...) with your view and adding a bit of info to the post.

    If there's a particular part of my post that lead you to that thought, please tell me so i can clear it up! =)

  10. If I were a woman... not only would I NEVER leave the shower, I would also be a whore. With all that power I'd have in my vajayjay, I'd use it to dominate the world!!!1!!1 *evil laugh*

    But seriously, if your fapping relies on well thought out verbiage, you should just invest in some smut novels. I'm assuming they at least have a beginning, middle, and "end" (if by "end you mean a "moneyshot").

  11. *insert hater comment*
    Because anybody who's anybody needs haters.... So I'm hating on you and your stupid post.
    And by stupid I really mean awesome.
    I have to admit though, I don't ever have to go to that extreme. Fantasy - definitely, but not all the details. But whatever works, works. Do what you got to ;)

  12. @Sanjay. Yeah, I know… People are way too complicated to generalize. Hope people knows I’m just kidding around. I don’t do research for my fantasies haha

    @alexel. You thought it was a waste of time before this entry, honey!? Haha …oh, and I’m very picky about porn.

    @Pedro. Don’t worry, half of what I say isn’t serious at all! I guess through here it’s hard to know the tone of voice.

    @Roy. Invest in smut novels… That made me giggle haha I’m fine with my complicated fantasies, don’t worry:*
    You’d be surprise of how useless is a vajayjay when you try to dominate the world… Half of the people here already have one.

    @chuck. …I know, right? ;D

    @danni. Oh :’D! Thank you! A hater! I want to thank my parents, who always believed in me.

  13. yep ..tone is very important ..oh the thousands (exageration) of arguments i had on MSN just because written words have no tone of voice! But i seem to be dumb and still fall for having arguments over MSN now and then... meh.

    Anyways ...anytime you read my comments just imagine a very positive sexy tone. LOL. Dunno, like the voice of a clown doing a show for kids in sexy lingerie (wow ..that seems creepy actually :O ) If i don't want to sound positive and calm i'll be sure to mention it in the post ;)

  14. My first post from Monday seemed to have disappeared. I did not think it was that bad.

    As far a pole in the basement; most basements that have a metal crossbeam to support a large open basement also have several metal load bearing poles for support. I have one in mine. AS far as underwear, I prefer my wife in VS second skin satin boy shorts, or plain white cotton briefs, a little on the small size so they accentuate the curves. There is something sexy in that simplicity. As for handcuffs, if you are a person that would use them, you would probably have them on you, just in case you needed them. Kind of like a guys and condoms.

    Any other question I can help you out with?

    P.S. I am an engineer if you ask a question for some reason I feel I have to give an answer. I think it's a mental disorder we develop in college.

  15. @Pedro. I used to have fights on msn about the same thing; I got tired of it and now get mad if someone dares to put a tone on what I write. Clown in lingerie, fully noted.

    @Jules. Just as I noticed your comment I thought “fuck, how come I don’t remember answering Jules? Did I miss him?” but it’s true, the comment disappeared… How? Why? ): I’m sorry, I really don’t know what happened, I have never erased a comment and never will, and I’d never do that to you <3
    Huh… Now I would feel like a creep talking about my fantasies’ malfunctions. I always have the problem that I don’t know what kind of furniture to use; even on my imagination I’m afraid I won’t get cramps for staying too much in the same position, so a big detail is where I’m doing that things on.

  16. I find the disappearing post weird too. I figured you did not delete it, but I have no idea what would have happened to it. Oh well lost to cyberspace.

    I find that impromptu fantasies are sometime are sometimes better. Don’t question it, just go with it.

  17. I can totally relate to you. Sometimes I just get frustrated... damn it I should've been a guy. haha.

  18. ¡Usted!

    Te toca actualizar.

    Un poquito.

    Y eso. :)


  19. @Jules. I’ve been working on it… Since I realized I had a little problem being such a sexual perfectionist.

    @Bree. Guys don’t have multiple orgasms, hon (: Big yay for us!

    @Juanjo. Listo! Gracias por hacerme sentir importante, corazón!

  20. you'd be surprised about how close we can get to multiple orgasms