Monday, November 29, 2010

Girls, Liquor and Sex

One would think that after a 3 day party weekend I’d had such a hangover that I wouldn’t be able to think something other than “Another one, please! And keep ‘em coming!” (this applies to Martinis as much as to aspirins)… But I did, I managed to learn something along the way. Two somethings, actually. *Clears throat*

  1. Some (emphasis on that word) girls try too hard.
  2. I’m way too old for this shit.

I’ve always been a stay-home girl but now that I have such a freedom to go out, I have decided I need to try something up before I decide that I hate it… What I’m trying to say is that I’m kinda new to this whole social ritual and I’m amazed of how hard women have it (and by amazed, I mean fucking scared).  Do you, guys, know how much time does it take for a girl to get ready? Ha… I already knew the answer, I just wanted to mess with you. However, I’ll still say it: it’s fucking annoying. I don’t get why it’s so hard for them to chose a freaking outfit, I find it incredibly easy: “My boobs look great on that dress + I want my boobs to look great tonight=I’ll wear that dress” It’s simple math, people. Then comes the make-up, god forgive if they leave the house without privatizing an inch of skin from oxygen… Finally, my worse enemy: High heels. I get heels (I don’t wear them, even if my 5’2 height begs me to, but I do understand why people wear them), what I don’t get is high heels. Just super models can walk in high heels, the rest of the mortals just look like they have osteoporosis.

I guess the reason I don’t worry too much about it, is because I know something most 18 year olds don’t. I could be wearing an oversized t-shirt and no make up, tell a guy in a bar I’m horny and I’m pretty sure the answer won’t be: “Sorry girl, you’re totally wearing the wrong shoes… And I like licking the eye shadow out of my girls, gets me going”.

Point number two doesn’t need much of an explanation, right? I think even at 16 I was too old for this; people call it being “an old soul”… I don’t think that’s my case, but if I have to put my finger on it, I’d say I have the soul of a bitter old woman. I’m getting a bit too tired of hearing these girls complain about every little thing when we go out… And I know what you’re thinking, I’m complaining about people who complain (and if you weren’t thinking that, shame on you, it’s a great argument), that’s part of my charm, I’m full of contradictions.

I’m fat. No. You’re not.
I have nothing to wear. Then don’t wear anything. Guys will love you.
My nose/teeth/feet/etc is/are too big. Probably yeah, but what are you going to do about it right now? Just own it.  

What I’m not too old for is playing match-up, as if I was in elementary school. Ok, ok, hear me out, this was actually kinda fun. Girls and boys received a little paper, at a party, where it was written the name of an animal; it was very biblical, one guy had an animal and some girl out there had it too. I was a tuna! And just like life itself I harassed a couple of guys outside of their bathrooms asking them if they were my ‘tuna’. One of the guys  answered “Sorry, I don’t smoke”… It was either a mix because of my accent or he thought that the only possible reason I could be asking that kinda stuff would be because I was smoking marijuana. Oh, well. I didn’t find my ‘other half’; should I take this as foreshadowing?


  1. 1. True
    2. True

    There are plenty of fish in the sea. You just have to find someone who likes sashimi, someone who is in tuna with your needs. I am sure there has to be someone in your school. It may seem you are floundering about, but as long as you are have fun that's all that counts.

    Okay, I have had my pun fun.

    Party on.

  2. “Sorry girl, you’re totally wearing the wrong shoes… And I like licking the eye shadow out of my girls, gets me going” - HAHA! I love it.

    This post is so true... like, put on a fucking outfit and let's get the fuck out the house. Damn.


  3. I'm bummed that you didn't find your tuna. He's still swimming around out there...

  4. Ahhh ..i have a very silly joke about tunas ... but it needs to be in portuguese to work
    Since spanish as many similar traits you might understand it.

    Eu gostava de ser atum!
    Então porque?
    Pq assim a minha mulher era atua!

    So now, passed that joke that no one will undertand, i'd like to see i do agree with you partly... but really, there are certain "dress ups" that make us men horny just by looking! Maybe it's easir for girls to do that than to use actual words =)

  5. Mi hermana es pija. Pero pija, pija... que no se como somos hermanos. No nos parecemos en nada. En fín, el caso es que va arregladísima hasta para comprar el pan. Y para salir, pffff. Es una angustia. Es de las que se prueban las cosas varias veces. Bueno, no tanto, igual exagero un poco, pero desde luego que no se viste en 10 minutos.
    El próximo día usaré ese argumento cuando esté en mitad del proceso. "Oye, Clara, ¿tú sabes eso de que si te acercas a cualquie tío...?" A ver como reacciona :D

    Hace un huevo fuí a una de esas fiestas en las que te pegabas un papelito con algo y tenías que encontrar tu pareja gemela. Era con nombres de paises, en una fiesta de estudiantes de intercambio. Una locura, claro.

    Un amigo eligió "Islas Vírgenes".

    Y ligó. Supongo que su país era mas sugerente que el atún... ;)


  6. do people actually get laid in these parties?
    or is just being friendly in an inocent way

  7. @Jules. I laughed like a retard with your comment. The sad part is that it actually took me a minute to get the “who is in tuna” pun; had my blonde moment going “going on top of a tuna? Inside of a tuna?” I should probably stop talking.

    @Bree. Right?? I can’t be the only one, I’m sure. I mean, we are going out every weekend, if they’re between two outfits they could just choose randomly one and put the other one next week. It’s a no brainer.

    @kathodges. I hope so. Maybe is better this way, some tunas aren’t supposed to meet. No, there wasn’t any pun there, just a universal true.

    @Pedro. Hummm… I’m feeling like using Google translate on this one. Let me see if I can do it alone.. Ok, now let’s see how close I was to the actual translation. It turns out I actually did a great job! But still doesn’t make any sense to me, I’m sorry ):
    I have absolutely nothing against dressing up, I never complained about that; actually I stated that I pick my dresses depending on how my twins look on it. I do, however, dislike how much extra effort girls make, specially, since it doesn’t really matter that much what are they using.

    @Juanjo .¿Cuantos años tiene tu hermana? Me he dado cuenta que en muchos casos es cuestión de edad, entre más pequeñas son más ilusión les hace todo eso de maquillarse y cambiarse constantemente de ropa. No es una regla, ni nada, es solo una observación mía.
    Ya, me imagino que las que eran leonas o perras llamaban la atención más que mi oloroso atún.

  8. A couple of points:

    1. If you wrote a book on anything I would buy it. The little nuances of writing in your stories are so entertaining that it overshadows even the topic of your posts. You could probably write about the weather patterns of Newfoundland and it would be fun to read. It blows my mind that English is your second language.

    2. Now for the bad news.... whether you already know it or not, you have a long and hard road ahead of you in finding the tuna you were meant to spawn with. This is far too pretentious for me to say on my Facebook page or other sites where people actually know me, but I do believe this and think it certainly applies to you...... when deep down inside you know that you experience life with a bit more depth than almost everyone you encounter or know, this makes the soulmate pool quite a bit smaller for you than it is for Sally Cheerleader or Mary Homemaker. You will come across plenty of guys (and girls) that you will be attracted to physically, but you will have a hard time finding the person that even comes close to the image you have set in your mind as "the one". In the grand scheme of things, sometimes being a superficial dumbass has its advantages and having a brain that thinks critically is a liability.

    But then again, what the hell do I know?

  9. Pues mi hermana tiene, agárrate, 27 tacos. No, no se le ha ido con la edad... de hecho diría que le gusta más según pasa el tiempo... :D