Tuesday, November 9, 2010

A Professional Secret, Buddy

Getting Laid 101 (straight* guys edition).

Search for a girl who looks like she doesn’t get out of her dorm too much and is craving for some male attention. Once you’ve spotted that girl, make sure she’s around to hear your new resolution: You’re working on demonstrating that a guy can be happy without sex. It’s very important you say this casually and not directly to her, to a guy friend preferably; say it with confidence (I can’t stress this hard enough), you don’t want people to think it’s just an excuse for not being able to get any.

Don’t make any moves on her just yet; I can promise that you already have her attention, but you want to make it believable.

Wait until she does something a little bit sexy: a dance, a look, a smile, whatever works for you. Ask her (again, casually and with confidence) to stop doing that, let her know that’s she’s making it really hard for you to keep on with your little goal.

If she responds positively, (if she doesn’t you’re screwed and I’m sorry I made you go all the way through this) she’ll, hopefully, bring up your (made-up) objective, tell her something along the lines of “you’d be able to convince any guy to do whatever you want”.

Ka-Ching!

You should be giving her head by now… Or at least she's picturing you doing it.

*It doesn’t hurt if you’re drop dead gorgeous too.

*Warning. Don't use this technique on a girl who has to head home half an hour later, due to strict rules of her residence. Both of you will end up horny and alone.

Lines to Avoid:

“You look like the kind of girl who has a better relationship with her father than with her mother”

“Has anyone ever told you your hair kinda looks like a mop?”

“You’re 20? I thought you were 23”

And whatever you do, no matter how desperate you are, Never Ever go for this one:

“Just make out with me! Look! All your friends are making out with my friends!”

But if, for whatever reason, you blurt it out, and she said no (and I'm hoping, on the name of self-respect she'll say no): Don’t lean to kiss her either way… I mean it.

13 comments:

  1. Haha! This is almost like the fake gay guy technique:

    1. Pretend you are gay so the girl doesn't think that you are just some guy who wants to sleep with her

    2. As a result, she will treat you as "just one of the girls" and eventually you both become BFFs

    3. Act like no girl can ever get you to turn straight. Say stuff like "Ewwww, girls are so gross! I hate vaginas!!!!"

    4. She will start to think that maybe she can be the one girl who can do the impossible: convert a gay man

    5. Then one day, she makes a move out of curiosity. You refuse at first saying, "You know I'm gay, I can't do this!," but then you eventually "give in"

    I personally could never do anything like these techniques because it's way too much work, not to mention pretty sleazy. I always thought the ol' giving someone the "eye" technique is the best way to go, but I never have the nerve to do it.

    I haven't visited your blog in a while (I've been anti-computers lately). Nice to see that you are still writing good stuff!

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  2. I hope you at least got this fictional guy's number.
    :)

    I hope if any guy tries to kiss you after you say no, that you have a can of mace or at least a good right hook.

    I have found, back in the day that the best pick-up line was: Can I buy you a drink. Once you have her attention you can begin 20 questions with them.

    What are you up to tonight?

    Where are you from?

    Where do you go to school?

    What are you studying?

    After a night of conversation and drinking offer to give her a ride/ walk home. If she says no and that she has another ride home, give her your number and tell her to you give you a call sometime if she wants to hang out again. At the worse if she was not interested you at least made a friend, if she is interested she will be calling in the next couple of days to hang out.

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  3. Vale. Estos trucos (de los tres) están muy bien para ligarte a una desconocida. Pero eso solo te alcanza para un aprobado raspado.

    La matrícula de honor se consigue ligándote a una amiga. Y es aquí, queridos contertulios, donde yo personalmente necesito ayuda... x)


    “You look like the kind of girl who has a better relationship with her father than with her mother”
    “Just make out with me! Look! All your friends are making out with my friends!”


    Juro que he visto a algún despistado usarlas... Dichas de otra manera pero conservando la esencia. Es innecesario que aclare que se estamparon vilmente... :D

    Z.

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  4. That's pretty good. Of course, the foundation for this entire premise is that the girl holds all the cards, and that if it is the poor schlub's lucky day, he might just get to go down on her.

    Insert generic "I PICK AND CHOOSE WHO I HOOK UP WITH AND WAS AMUSED BY YOUR POST" comment here ______________________________ .

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  5. @Calvin. Fake gay? Huh… That’s almost like an expert challenge; like the ones Barney Stinson does. I don’t know, unless the guy is extremely hot and masculine I couldn’t see how that would work. I like my guys to be all testosterone, if not; I would just hit on a woman. And it seems like the kind of strategy you need a couple of weeks to work and build up the trust… Mine, if you play your cards well, just need a night.

    @Jules. Nope, he didn’t ask… His fictional friend did. Kinda shook my confidence.
    About the other guy, I just faked a laugh and backed off a bit, I didn’t want to make a scene. A friend of his saw this and told him to leave me alone; I left the place soon afterwards.
    That sounds like the best way to meet a girl if you’re seriously interested on her. If you just want to bang her… Therefore the title (:

    @Juanjo. Uy una amiga… Suerte con eso. Creo que puedes dar miles de consejos de cómo ligarte a una desconocida, ya que no hay historia de fondo y todos sabemos lo mismo sobre esa chica (nada). Cuando es una amiga, supongo que solo tu sabrás que hacer; solo tú sabes cómo es tu relación con ella y como reaccionaria. En esos caso mi consejo seria ser honesto y decirle, puede resultar que ella siente lo mismo o se siente capaz de sentir lo mismo… Y si no, al menos te quitas la espina.
    Oye y la línea de la relación con el padre a que se refiere ¿eh? Llevo semanas dándole vueltas. No se si me insulto en la cara…

    @Kristoffer. I didn’t hold all the cards…! I mean, the hypothetical girl didn’t, she was just enjoying the attention. I’d say the entire premise of any “pick up” is that they should both be attracted to each other from the start; you can’t make her fall for your personality in just one night.

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  6. Partiendo de la base de que yo jamás diría tal cosa supongo que es una forma de decir que debes ser la niña de los ojos de tu padre. Vamos, que tienes a tu padre enamorado de su hija. Pero es que es bastante atípico decirle eso a alguien. Igual era una forma idiota de establecer una conversación... :D

    No se puede ser tan ligona, que luego te dicen cosas así y no sabes por donde cogerlas... ;)

    Z.

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  7. Desde que andas por estos lares eres una chica muy ocupada, ¿eh? ;)

    Z.

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  8. More-than-friendly male-female interactions will never make any sense to me whatsoever. I see absolutely no point to this childish game of pretending. This cult of social complexity is unscientific and ultimately destructive.

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  9. @Juanjo. Ay, por favor! ¿Como conseguí la reputación de “niña de papa” con 4 palabras que intercambie con ese hombre? Fueron condiciones muy extrañas; es el nuevo compañero de apartamento de mi hermano, era la primera vez que nos quedábamos solos él y yo y eso fue lo que se le ocurrió decirme.
    Naah. Simplemente no pasa nada que me inspire a escribir algo.

    @notgettinglaid. Ok. I’m going to need more words here because I don’t understand where you’re coming from at all.
    Uhm… More than friendly? So, the relationship your parents had, boyfriend-girlfriend relationships and so on don’t make any sense to you?
    You see a point in having sex without the intention of getting yourself pregnant? Is basically the same one.
    What social cult? The more than friendly relationships or the game of pretending? Well, I don’t really know what to say, since I find science in every single thing that exists, and destructive? Ok, since we are constantly dying, even eating can be destructive, so no argument there.
    As I said. I’m going to need a bigger explanation to what you mean.

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  10. @LolaDahl Very well.

    Uhm… More than friendly? So, the relationship your parents had, boyfriend-girlfriend relationships and so on don’t make any sense to you? You see a point in having sex without the intention of getting yourself pregnant? Is basically the same one.
    Relationships make sense to me, don't get me wrong; it's the pickup protocol that doesn't.

    What social cult? The more than friendly relationships or the game of pretending?
    The game of pretending.

    What I am saying is that I don't see the point in the entire charade described in your post. It does nothing but blur intent and hinder truthful communication between the two, possibly leading to nothing but the beginning of an unhappy and deceitful relationship. My above comment is the textual equivalent of me throwing my arms in the air and saying "oh I'm never going to understand this s**t". I am clearly no pickup artist and I can see why; my mind is shaped for logic, which is exactly what the apparent requirements in the dating world lack, at least after reading your post.

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  11. Have you ever had a discussion with someone only to realize you both have the exact same point? That just happened.
    I agree completely. You won’t get a girlfriend using what I wrote (at least not one I would’ve a lot of respect for), and that wasn’t at all the point; that’s what “Getting Laid 101” stood for… I just meant a one night stand.
    Well, actually I wasn’t even serious with this entry; what I did there was describe how I met a guy who I found charming, hot and (why not say it) very fuckable and turn it into a “how to” manual. From what I know, he could’ve been serious with the whole “not screwing with anybody” philosophy and right now be the happiest newly virgin ever. To me it felt like a line and that make him even more desirable… But no. I wouldn’t marry him, I wouldn’t even seriously date him… I wouldn’t be in a relationship with someone who on the first night I met him told me I make him horny.

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  12. True story. Every time I tell a girl that I can't get off from oral, they make it their personal mission in life to prove me wrong. I had one girl offer to give me head right there in the middle of the bar. It's like the female version of dick-measuring... They want to whip out their blowjob skills IMMEDIATELY and prove to you that the only reason you couldn't get off before is because THEY weren't the one giving you head. They're ALWAYS wrong about this, but the BJ leads to bigger and better things, so I never complain.

    Pretty much the same thing, though... Issue a sexual challenge to a girl and she will rarely turn you down.

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  13. That could go so wrong, though!
    When you’re finally there what do you do? Act as if you were enjoying it… Is either that or telling her “Nope… Sorry… You’re not doing anything for me”. I don’t know if I would recover from that.
    Also, how can you not enjoy blowjobs? Hell! I enjoy them and I’m not even the one receiving them. I could live just with oral sex, my best contraceptive.

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