Monday, February 28, 2011

David Copperfield Kind of Crap

Do you hate puppies?
Not even a little bit… Actually, if I could give birth to puppies instead of babies I would be fucking every night without a condom.

Where are you going to be in 10 years?2.11-poker
Not underground… I hope. Other than that, I don’t care.

Is the Riemann hypothesis correct?
Well, the answer to that question is quite obvious, isn’t?



Am i supposed to type in a question here?
Yeah. There… There… Just like that… Yeah… Don’t stop typing.

In your blog description you state that you, the author "...pretends to have daddy issues...". Would you please elaborate? How do you do this? Why do you do it? What is an example of what you have gained from it. Has it led you to being attracted to older men? Heh.
A girl with daddy issues, due to the lack of attention she got from her father seeks approval from guys, sleeping with them, for example. What I meant was that I fuck guys with the false excuse that I need male attention. It was a joke… I swear.
Older men…? I do think Hugh Laurie is effing hot.

If you could meet any one of your followers, who would it be?
Mommy doesn’t play favorites.

If it’s not your real name, where did ‘Lola Dahl’ come from?
Boring Story Alert!
Lola, from the song La Lola by Café Quijano, which describes a girl who went from bed to bed without finding a guy who truly cared. I don’t necessarily relate but I find it tragically fascinating.
When I first started the blog I had this crush on an actor called Tony Dalton, I liked his last name but I preferred to shorten it down to Dal. The Matches first album is: E. Von Dahl killed The Locals; I decided to add an ‘h’.

(5/y-3) = 1 + (y+7)/(2y-6)

I'm not sure if you do speak spanish and are half spanish half mexican....
A Mexican dude fell in love with a Spanish hottie… They decided (through a process there’s no need to explain, because ew!) to bring children into this world and teach them their mother language.
So, yes… All of the above.

Are you a social experiment or some personality digital test for customers? 'cause I can't believe there's a girl like you promise to be
The Chili&Rice Project is non-profit organization created to make un-tanned nerds and 71 year-old-creeps feel good about themselves through the image of a young lady who would fuck them hard and not ask to be called back.

In all seriousness… Here goes a life-lesson, kiddo: No matter how good she looks, someone somewhere is tired of her shit.

If you could say one thing to Rupert Grint (or any other celebrity for that matter, but I figured you'd pick Ruppie anyway) what would you say?
OMG!!!111!1 MARRY ME!1!!11!one! :'D

Are you fat?
Big boned, BIG BONED!

Are you lesbian?
For Megan Fox/Rachel McAdams/Anne Hathaway I would be.

The thing that annoys you the most?
I’m easily annoyed… If I have to pick one I’d say very loud people who aren’t even funny.

I don't know if you've addressed the difference in the way people dress on the street and at parties, between the two continents. Going regularly between the US and France, teenage girls in the US scare me by dressing so much more trampy than what I see in France.
I wouldn’t say that the difference between Mexico’s and Spain’s fashion would be trashy and elegant… More like, urban and sophisticated. Let’s just say you see way more jeans over there.

Do you like pie? :D
It depends on what kind of pie… But yeah, I’d say pies and I have a pretty good thing going on.

Where's the weirdest place you've ever pee'd?
Train tracks. In Madrid. In front of my best friend. At 16. Drunk. Of course.

Do you prefer a warm oil massage or bare dry hands?
Lube is always appreciated.

Ideal pet?
Platypus <33 Bitches love platypuses.
Favorite hobby?
What is your favorite chili?

A quickie on favorites: Pale pink. Oviedo(Spain). Piña Colada. Spaghettis. Titanic. Harry Potter books. Every Breath You Take by The Police. 

Not Real Questions
I know what you really look like!

Damn! You got me… I’m actually a 12 year-old dude who poses as a 20 year-old girl using pictures of her incredible beautiful sister. Give me money and I’ll send you her panties!



You may be wondering where are all the naughty questions I promised. It turns out a lot of people on the internet care about the sexual life of a college girl (shocking!) so it needed its own entry. If your little hearts desire it, you can still submit questions here but (I can’t believe I’m actually saying this) they have to be sex related since that’s the topic…

I’ll be back with all the dirt ;)

Friday, February 25, 2011

If You Want to Know the Truth

You know you’re spending way too much time around attention whores when the idea of answering random stranger’s questions sound like the most fun a girl could have.

So, that’s what I’m doing… Of course I need random strangers for that and who’s more random than you, beautiful-person-reading-this?

Click Here, YouSexyThing

Anonymous, nice and easy… Just like me.

If I haven’t convince you yet, let me tell you a little story…

My parents have always been very busy people and my two big brothers are overachievers; I’ve spent my whole life seeking attention and recognition that just doesn’t come… No matter what I accomplish, it will not be a big deal at home, because my brothers will probably do it first. School wasn’t any better, I wasn’t very attractive while growing up and, also, kind of a loser… I wouldn’t be surprised if half of the kids I went to Jr. High with don’t even remember me anymore. Internet is like home for me, people actually listen to what I have to say; just knowing that someone out there cares enough to ask about me means the world to me… It really makes up for the attention I always lack of.

That you just read was, of course, bullshit. I had a very happy childhood, being not only the youngest of three but the only girl gave me more attention that I could handle… I’m just aware sob stories make awesome marketing.

So, just for the hell of it, ask whatever you want. Stupid and naughty questions are not only acceptable but encouraged. I’ll make an entry answering every single question the best way I can.

If this still doesn’t sound fun enough for you, here’s a puppy:


You can’t say no to a puppy.

Monday, February 21, 2011

All I Ever Meet is Witty Bastards

Time to introduce a new character to this monotonous life of mine. Say hi to Obnoxious Little Smart-Ass; since it’s such a long name I’ll stick to calling her Ass Girl (hopefully she will get the wrong kind of reputation.)

From the moment I met Ass Girl I knew we wouldn’t be trading BFF bracelets any time soon. While everybody around me was going gaga about tequila, Mexican guys and Mexican accent she interrupted my 5 minutes of fame to make a very important announcement: “I never cared for accents… They just sound wrong to me, as if they can’t articulate words correctly”. She still parades such close-minded behavior by correcting me, constantly, on my spanish; while it is easy to ignore, I do regret not having a penis just to have something to shove down her throat and make her stop talking.

Believe it or not, that’s not her worst trait…

Ass Girl is the kind of person who doesn’t understand how come she’s not running her own little country by now; after all, from the moment she popped out of her mother’s vagina she knew everything there’s to know about everything.

She would hate this but she’s not even special… The world is full of conceited people. The awful thing about these creatures is that most of them have something to be conceited about. They are either talented, well-read or (in Ass Girl case) both. People often call them smart.

Since I’m being forced to coexist with this dudette, I learned intelligent people are not the ones who can recite an old painting’s author and date, or resolve complex physic problems in a small amounts of time… They are the ones who, on top of every amazing thing they may be able to do, know when the hell to shut up.

I’ll be the first one to blame my unfriendly thoughts on jealousy. Still, there are fascinating people who I not so secretly envy that don’t make me want to slap them... Hard.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

The Same Songs

This entry goes out to my good friends
Especially the ones I had before High School Graduation of 2007
And to all the boys back in Jr. High
Who actually spoke to me,
Even though I was a fat girl and a really annoying geek.

I hope this entry finds them well
And I hope they’re doing fucking swell.
I hope that they’re back up if they’ve ever been down.
And I hope they’re working on getting the fuck out of our hometown.

Here comes a shout-out to all my teachers
Who thought I had ability at writing,
And told me I’d make it far.
And to that one who thought I couldn’t write for shit,
To her, who even mocked my stuff,
For giving me the edge to prove her wrong.

This entry goes out to my big brother,
For putting up with me following him around,
And for making me smile when things at school weren’t great,
For not getting mad when I infest his computer with Trojans.
For taking me to the mall when I still couldn’t drive.
For telling me the guy who rejected me was ugly anyway.
For hand-me-down electronics and a Planet Hollywood T’s
And for never beating the shit out of me.

I hope this entry finds him well,
And I hope that he’s doing fucking swell.
I hope that he’s back up cause I know he has been down,
I just wish he’d get the fuck out of our hometown.

I’m so glad I got the fuck out of my hometown.


Inspired by:
My HometownBowling For Soup

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Me, Myself and I

For the first time, since I was 16, I’m spending a Valentine’s Day single.


I’m not even mad!

Monday, February 7, 2011

People Never Notice Anything

Simple as this: not having a younger sibling gave me no chance to develop the very useful “GET THE FUCK OUT MY ROOM!” attitude. Judging by the fact that I grew up with two older brothers it’s easy to figure out who was the victim of those snaps.

I have no idea how I come off on this blog; I just want to clarify I don’t have that teenage complex titled ‘People suck’. I do like human beings, my problem is that most of them annoy the hell out of me when we’re forced to spend more than an hour alone. That’s normal, right?

So, for all those unfortunates like me who didn’t have a younger brother/sister to practice on, I offer you my super useful guide to get rid of the undesirables.

1. Implicit step*

2. Tell him/her you honestly don’t want company.

What I did here is throw my friend little hints like: “You know… I’m a bit tired” and “I don’t have much else to say right now, how about if we keep discussing this at dinner?”.

Beware: Some people are way too dumb to get hints.

3. Make yourself look busy (outside help may be needed).

I made what I thought was a bulletproof plan. Through my cellphone I asked a friend to get online and asked to talk to me privately.

Beware: It could totally backfired and get this reaction: “OMG! Is he cute? What do you think it could be? OMG! You think he may tell you he likes you? OMG! OMG! Answer him! Ok, I will do it for you [typing] Yes, yes, talk to me” 

4. Offer them something in return.

The desperate choice. Have you ever found yourself throwing food at your opposite direction just to free yourself from some irritating animal? Well… This is exactly like that.

You have something they want? A chocolate muffin, perhaps?Just when she was about to give the first bite I shriek “Oh, hon, no! You can’t eat it here, I just cleaned…”

She picked the muffin over me and I was totally okay with that.

Beware: You will be left muffinless.

*Accept the fact that you’re going to die alone.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Enough Education to Hate People

Back in college after a long and not-so-well-deserved break.

I’m not even going to pretend I was ready to come back… I guess I needed to, though. Apparently, school gave me the ability to speak my mind, which now I have forgotten.

If you don’t believe me, let me show it to you in an easy guide I’ve decided to name: Crap I should’ve said.

Exhibit A. Saying goodbye to The Teenager the night before coming back.

Teenager: So… Well… Have a good trip and… Good luck.

Crap I should’ve said: Just so you know, you’ve really grown on me (not in a dirty way, for Christ sake)… And since I care about you I have the need to apologize for every time I’ve made you feel uncomfortable; I guess it’s hard for me to remember your age sometimes, since you have brains and balls a lot of older guys don’t.

What I did say: Aw, thanks! See you!

Exhibit B. Confessing to The Roommate how much I didn’t want to come back right after he found me crying on the living room (talk about making guys feel uncomfortable, right?)

Roommate: I honestly think you should stop being such a pussy, little grasshopper. I’m sorry I have to say it like that but you can’t be so weak. It’s not so bad.

Crap I should’ve said: I’m sorry… “So weak”? Why? I’m not giving up in any way, I’m not going back to Mexico or dropping out just to move in with you and my brother. I’m going back and do my best over there. I was just whining a little bit before you and your dick interrupted me.

What I did say: Yeah… I guess so.

Exhibit C. On my way to the faculty along with a few classmates, including a couple of girls who know about The Teenager.

One of Them: How is your 16 year old doing?

Me: Could you not call him like that in public? Please… Use his name, I don’t care.

OoT: No. I like the fact that he's 16, it’s adorable.

Crap I should’ve said: What I think is adorable is the fact that you’re a cock-teaser who got stood up for a bald girl and made up with a loser just to get revenge but you don’t see me saying it out loud, do you, virgin?

What I did say: Whatever, dude.

Exhibit D. The second worst feeling after the one you get for failing a final is telling people you failed a final. 

Classmate: How did you do in math?

Me: I failed… I was expecting it, though… You?

Classmate: I passed, I know right? It was such a surprise, really. I guess it’s because I answered every single question… I don’t know. I passed every single course, I can’t believe it.

Crap I should’ve said: I hope you get fucked in the ass without lube.

What I did say: Wow… Congratulations… I’m so happy for you.