Monday, February 7, 2011

People Never Notice Anything

Simple as this: not having a younger sibling gave me no chance to develop the very useful “GET THE FUCK OUT MY ROOM!” attitude. Judging by the fact that I grew up with two older brothers it’s easy to figure out who was the victim of those snaps.

I have no idea how I come off on this blog; I just want to clarify I don’t have that teenage complex titled ‘People suck’. I do like human beings, my problem is that most of them annoy the hell out of me when we’re forced to spend more than an hour alone. That’s normal, right?

So, for all those unfortunates like me who didn’t have a younger brother/sister to practice on, I offer you my super useful guide to get rid of the undesirables.

1. Implicit step*

2. Tell him/her you honestly don’t want company.

What I did here is throw my friend little hints like: “You know… I’m a bit tired” and “I don’t have much else to say right now, how about if we keep discussing this at dinner?”.

Beware: Some people are way too dumb to get hints.

3. Make yourself look busy (outside help may be needed).

I made what I thought was a bulletproof plan. Through my cellphone I asked a friend to get online and asked to talk to me privately.

Beware: It could totally backfired and get this reaction: “OMG! Is he cute? What do you think it could be? OMG! You think he may tell you he likes you? OMG! OMG! Answer him! Ok, I will do it for you [typing] Yes, yes, talk to me” 

4. Offer them something in return.

The desperate choice. Have you ever found yourself throwing food at your opposite direction just to free yourself from some irritating animal? Well… This is exactly like that.

You have something they want? A chocolate muffin, perhaps?Just when she was about to give the first bite I shriek “Oh, hon, no! You can’t eat it here, I just cleaned…”

She picked the muffin over me and I was totally okay with that.

Beware: You will be left muffinless.

*Accept the fact that you’re going to die alone.


  1. Personally I like the "What do you want now" approach.

  2. I'm not very good with asking people to leave myself. When I try I come off super bitchy. Once, I didn't know how to tell my friends I was too tired to be hosting, so I ended up falling asleep... I woke up an hour later and they were still in my room whispering to each other because they didn't want to wake me...

  3. Alternatively, polish a shotgun while quoting Gollum.

    I don't know you. Just thought I'd weigh in with that.

  4. Tienes unas compañías muy persistentes (léase "cansinas").

    Yo soy del tipo 2. "Estoy cansado, hablamos luego", e intento dejarlo absolutamente claro. Y si no lo pillan lo repito con cara de hastío. Suele funcionar. Igual es mi cara de hastío... xD

    Por cierto, no se ha dado el caso pero si un amigo mete la mano en una "conversación privada" sin permiso posiblemente se quede sin brazos a la altura de los codos. Por manazas, por desentendido y por metomentodo.

    Jo, hoy estoy que destilo amor. Será el 14 de febrero, que está ahí a la vuelta... :D

  5. @Jules. It was a nice visit until she started chatting with her boyfriend instead of talking to me.

    @Danni. HAHA we are such nice peoples. Well. No. Maybe you are. I just started being bitchy, apparently I must be a bitch all the time since she didn’t seem to notice it.

    @Tim. Wasn’t Gollum the one from The Lord of the Rings? Is there another Gollum?
    OH! Oh, I just got it! I’m going to leave the first thing I wrote because I like to remind myself how retarded I can be.
    I don’t have a shotgun, do you think a butter knife will make the same effect?

    @Juanjo. Yo no parecía conseguirlo. Por lo general un simple suspiro un poco más alto de lo normal hace el efecto, pero esta niña… No sé, lo único que se me ocurre es que le gusta DEMASIADO mi compañía. Incluso me decía “yo se que quieres que vaya ya, pero…” blah blah.

  6. Your lack of dangerous weapons disturbs me.

  7. I have to agree with Tim here, not even a steak knife? Or baseball bat? Something that might do SOME damage with a single blow?

    As for nice vs. bitch, it really depends on the person. Maybe muffin girl was just not picking up on your bitchy tones? Or she thought you were trying to be funny. Then there are others who are overly sensitive to it and will get mad at your bitchy tone, when you didn't even mean to have one. As for me, I have trouble finding the happy medium - I'm either extremely bitchy or overly nice. I try to be nice because you never know when you're going to need something from someone...

  8. @Tim. These hands are dangerous weapons, muahaha…! Who the hell and I kidding?

    @Danni. I really don’t know if there’s an appropriate answer when someone tells you they are nice just to get something in return. I guess I applaud your honesty. We all do it; we are just not ballsy enough to admit it. Oh! Apparently there was an appropriate answer.

  9. We don't all do it. I don't, but that's mainly because I tried, then realised I could never be quite nice enough to make it work.