Thursday, March 31, 2011

The Thing About Girls

Remember the Classy Bitch act I was showing off on my last entry? I think I may have come off, for some of you, as a stone cold bitch… Even though, now, I know the whole situation wasn’t a big freaking deal, it’s only fair to share the behind-the-scenes feature and made people realize how very far I am from that image.

After my date with the Dude, I went from cool to pathetic in 2,6 seconds just as I walked through the door. Knowing I wouldn’t be able to hold the tears for long I knew I was in serious need for some cunt back up.

Soldier number one didn’t took long to show up: my beloved character, Muffin. Just as the rules from girl etiquette establish it, she assured me Dude will show up eventually and if he didn’t, he was a stupid jerk. The moment I shed a tear she surprised the fuck out me by whipping it immediately and kissing my cheek. While she was stroking my leg my mind run from “Is she trying to make me feel better by sexing me up?” to “I guess is not second base until she grabs a boob”, deciding, finally, to give in to the innocent girl on girl action, I hugged the hell out of Muffin.

Introducing soldier number two: medical student/friend, who, from her ability to talk about her sex life and major for hours is like interacting with a Grey’s Anatomy character. Grey rushed into my room with a bowl of yogurt (very cliché of her, if only that would have been for me) and jokingly (or not) advised me to sleep with his best friend; considering Dude’s best friend is Muffin’s boyfriend I didn’t take it to be a great option, however, her skills to make me laugh about the issue within the hour that happened showed me she is just my kind of chick (even if I’m a little offended because she didn’t try to feel me up).

So… is this the girly interaction I was running away from? Blah, it’s really not that bad… Not bad at all.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Goodnight, Handsome

Couldn’t think of a witty intro for this post (didn’t try too hard, either), I’ll skip that and just start talking about my disastrous date with… Ugh, I didn’t even name him, didn’t I? WhoIAllowedToTouchMyBoobies is just as long and inappropriate as TooStupidToAskForAFuckingName so we will just call him  Dude.

After almost an hour of trying to change the fact that our date was going incredibly awkward and just getting “I have so much study to do” as an answer I started thinking my boots were incredibly fascinating and decided to focus on them instead.

I’m a classy chick (or that’s what I aspire to), I wore my best smile and calmly suggested to call it a night so he could go study. I got up but he just looked at me blankly. Since I’m sweet as fuck I resisted the urge to shout “What are you doing? Get up, you little fucker! No need to prolong this crappy night” and instead I blurted an “Are you ok?”

Do you recall this typically used scene on B-rated movies and sitcoms when someone starts crying in front of a very uncomfortable and startled person? It went something like that, instead, he wasn’t crying, he was just pouring his heart out; I, on the other hand, was definitely shocked. He whined about school, his fruitless efforts to achieve the grade, his gigantic fear of being kicked out because of that and not even having support from his ‘demanding’ parents. I listened to him, did my best to make him smile (which I succeed, yay!) and with awkward pats on his knee I assured him everything will be ok; it’s not the end of the world (said the girl with no real problems) but the moment you start believing it is, it will be.

Scene Two. Still holding onto my cool, once we arrived at my place I told him I didn’t want to make things harder for him, we didn’t need to keep seeing each other if he was that busy. I got such a lousy and useless answer that I don’t even remember it correctly, something along the lines of “it sucks to be busy!”, which makes me think he wasn’t aware that I was breaking things up.

He gave me a kiss goodnight and left me a bit clueless on where we stand at, just enough aware to know it’s not my problem to figure out.

At least I’m true to my advice… Whatever the outcome is, it will not be the end of the world.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Terrific to Hold Hands With

What I’m about to share may confuse some of my readers… Others may think it fits perfectly with my psychological profile.

Human contact makes me uncomfortable. I don’t mean sudden hugs, pats on the back or hey-dude-high-five!… I talking about those extended touches.

I can stand it (or even appreciate it) if it either comes from someone really close to me (and I mean really close, like a boyfriend, best friend or my mom) or if I’m horny enough to don’t even remember what intimacy means.
I’ll take a moment here to shudder about the fact that I just used “mom” and “horny” in the same sentence…

Girls rarely agree with me on this; they walk arm by arm, sleep on the same bed, sit on each other’s lap… They just love to touch each other (pun very intended). I swear, if I were a boy I’d spend half of the time that I’m with them with a hard-on…

Just a few days ago I was talking to a girl friend; she was telling me all about this dude who’s in some of her classes and how they like to hold hands… My reaction went something like this: “WHAT? You guys hold hands? Just like that? WHY? Do you even like him? Does he like you? Answer me, you little hand-holder slut!”. By my freak out one would think is his dick what she likes to hold on to.

Let me say this, I’m aware my point of view may be a little bit messed up. I’m not defending it… At all.

But why? Why on earth would you like to hold someone’s sweaty palm for a longer period than a handshake? It’s not an spontaneous gesture of love or happiness, you’re not getting any sexual pleasure out of it. I don’t get why someone would even bother… Unless they really like that sweaty palm.

Yours truly,
Lola “I-haven’t-held-hands-with-even-a-third-of-the-guys-
I-have-made-out-with”
Dahl

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Watch Them Losing Their Brains

The awkward moment when you find yourself dancing to Mambo No. 5 alone in your room.

Wait… What?

Let’s rewind to last week when, against all odds, I went out on a second date with TooStupidToAskForAFuckingName Guy (who soon will be renamed since it is quite an aggressive/long nickname to carry).

Stage 1. Cool and Nonchalant (true version)

“OMG! We had such a great time. Everything was awesome awesome awesome (three awesomes, that’s serious shit)! He will call eventually, I know it… Meanwhile I’ll just pretend I have a life”

Stage 2. Cool and Nonchalant (fake version)

“It’s been only a few days… He’s such a busy little fella, whatever; no need to even think ab- DUDE! IS THAT A TEXT? No? Ok… Yeah, whatever”

Stage 3. Shame and Doubt

“He thinks I’m retarded. I’m sure. He was talking about computers and I just stood there looking retarded…”

Stage 4. Rage

“Well… What was I supposed to do, then? Solve a quadratic equation in front of him? FUCK THAT!”

Stage 5. Desperation

Muffin: Do you want me to tell my boyfriend to invite your guy into a double date?
Me: Hell no. That would be pathetic… If he wanted to see me he would have called.
Muffin: You realize we are talking about a busy nerd who happens to be shy, right?
The awkward moment when Muffin talks to you as if you were the nut case.
Me: … Fine. Just don’t make me sound desperate, ok? No, you know what? Don’t mention me at all… Don’t tell him you’re doing this for me, tell him-
Muffin: Yo! Calm your tits!
(no, she didn’t say that but it would have been funny as hell if she had) I know exactly how to play it.
Text: Tell your friend to call my friend already!
Me: Bitch, are you retarded?

Stage 6. Acceptance

“He’s just another guy, there’s a world full of them. Whatever, really… So what if I die alone? Would it really be that bad? I have a lot of other things to worry about, I don’t need a- FUCK…! Is that a text? IT IS a fucking text!”

Somewhere in between the "I had a very busy week”, “lots of homework”, “my parents came to visit” and "do you want to go out tomorrow?” the 90’s music fever kicked in.

The awkward moment when you think you’re different from the rest of the girls when it comes to guys but realize you were very wrong.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Getting Corny

My nerves fail me; I’m being defeated by anxiety.
I know I may regret it later.
Today I’m too scared to look for you,
I’m scared I may find you.
I’m scared of your eyes; I’m too scared to talk.
I’m scared I may want to kiss you.
I tell myself:
Don’t be stupid.
Don’t be so cynical.
Don’t try to fight it.
Today I’m scared of dancing again,
I’m scared you may laugh at me.
I’m scared of people;
I don’t want to take control...
I’m scared I may like it.
I’m scared of lies, I don’t have any faith left.
I’m scared I may believe again.

I tell myself:
Don’t be stupid.
Don’t be so cynical.
Don’t try to fight it.
Not everyone is such a bad guy,
 
Not everything is wrong.
Not everyone is a villain waiting to kill you.
Not everything is lost.

 

Hoy Tengo Miedo
Fobia

I translate the song just for you, kiddos. I’m nice like that.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Mothers are Slightly Insane

Fuck love. Fuck compatibility. Fuck years of building up a relationship.

Little grasshoppers, you can easily tell if you two are going to get married judging just by the story of how you met.

Don’t take my word for it. TV says so. When someone dedicates a six season show just to tell a story of how He met Her, you know He is going to marry that bitch.

My parents, as another example (a real life one), were at a dinner party; my dad spotted my mom surrounded by a lot of “almost daddies”. He asked if anyone was married to her and when the answer was a definite ‘no’, he made room for himself and introductions took place. You see? Totally PG.

What you’ll read next is an example of how things should NOT play out.

INT. RUSTIC HOUSE; LIVING ROOM

The place is quiet.

A man around his late thirties is reading the paper on the couch.

A girl who’s 9 years old and a boy who’s 6 enter the room in the same quiet manner.

GIRL
Dad, you’ve never told us how you and mommy met.

FATHER
(Doesn’t glance at them)
And there’s a very good reason for that, kid.

GIRL
Come on, the neighbors’ kid told us this lovely story of how his parents met!

FATHER
(Places the newspaper down)
The neighbors are a gay couple, sweetie… They are not the biologi- oh, forget it!

Both kids just stare blankly at their father.

FATHER
You really want to hear the story, huh?

GIRL AND BOY
(Unison)
Yes!

FATHER
Fine… Don’t say I didn’t warn you…
(Clears throat)
Mommy and Daddy were… How do I say this nicely? Cuddling… Yes! We were cuddling. Suddenly mommy decided to stop the… cuddling… and said “I know this isn’t exactly the time to ask this but… Do you even know my name?”
(Looks down, ashamed)
Kids, I completely forgot to ask for her name…
(Short pause)
I don’t know if it was the vodka-I mean, mommy’s secret medicine- but she just laughed. Then, she whispered her name, shook my hand and added “Nice to meet you”.

I’m going to rephrase my point: by the story of how you met, you can totally tell who you’re not going to marry… Well, when I put it that way my hypothesis doesn’t sound that impressive.

I’d be too embarrassed to tell this story if the dude wouldn’t have called me the very next day to ask me out on a real date.

Which is today.

Now, if you excuse me, I’m sure Cosmo has an article for a situation just like mine. I need outfit&hair advice. Hey! He may not be Future Mr. Dahl, but I still want to look hot, ok? Take it as a public service.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

“He Don’t” and “She Don’t”

Dear Girl-Who-Took-My-Muffin-When-I-Was-Desperately-Trying-To-Get-Rid-of-You-And-Who-From-Now-On-I’ll-Simply-Refer-As-‘Muffin’:

It’s not obvious, since I always act annoyed when I’m around you (and, sadly, I’m not faking it in any way) but deep down I do like you… You can blame that on the fact that you’re so annoying that you’re amusing added to the way you hold on so hard to me. I guess, what I’m trying to say is that I kinda care about you, Muffin. So, I felt the need to write this letter.

Trusting a guy who you just started going out with may not be the easiest thing to do, I know. I also know insanity always makes sense to the insane… That’s why I’m here for, to tell you it DOESN’T make sense; you’re, in fact, fucking losing it.

I attached a transcript of our last phone call, in hopes it opens up your eyes.

You: I just heard you met my boyfriend last night.
Me: I did?
You: Yep, on that party I couldn’t go to.
Me: Who was he?
You: A blonde dude; he told me you talked.
Me: I don’t remember a blonde guy.
You: Ok, he’s sandy.
Me: I don’t remember a sandy guy either.
You: Make an effort. He told me he talked to you and I need to know if he respects me.
Me: … If he respects you?
You: Yeah, I mean, how did he act?
Me: I’m telling you I don’t remember him.
You: You guys talked!
Me: I’m hearing  you and I don’t mean to sound like I’m the shit or anything but I talked to a lot of guys at that party.
You: Try to remember… I couldn’t go that party and I need to know how does he act when I’m not around.
Me: Would it make you feel any better if I tell you not a single guy grabbed my ass…? That includes him.
You: Of course he’s not going to grab your ass, he knows who you are! I’m talking about other girls’ asses.

[That’s all I got… I stopped making notes the moment I notice you weren’t kidding]

You now see it, right?

Love,
Lola “Hopes-When-She-Does-Get-A-Boyfriend-Doesn’t-End-Up-Acting-Just-Like-You-Are-Because-It-Would-Be-Totally-Embarrassing” Dahl

Ps. If you keep this behavior going I may be forced to call your little boyfriend and yell “ABORT MISSION!” until he gets the point; for his own sake as much as for yours.

Friday, March 4, 2011

Only Very Sexy Stuff Interested Him

Some questions were a bit similar, I chose to answer one of its kind.
I’m smart like that.

Lube, check.
Tissues, check.
Crucifix, check.

Let’s do this shit…

What are you wearing right now?
Nothing, master ;)

In one of your entries you talked about how a girl can just ask a stranger to have sex and his answer will be yes. Since reading your blog made me think of you like a nymphomaniac in a dry spell, what would you do if a guy comes up to you and just plainly asks if you want to have sex?
Is that guy Rupert Grint…? He is, isn’t he? :D
The truth is… I do have more sex rules for myself than I’d wish for.

If we had sex around 5-7 times a week, and about 3 of those times were quickies in which you didn't get off, would you be displeased, somewhat pleased, pleased, very pleased or ecstatic? and why?
…My answer would be “ecstatic”, I want my guy to be unable to keep his hands off me.

If you had a detachable fully-functioning penis, what would you do with it?
Jack off as if my life depended on it… Then, maybe, I’d bake an apple pie and fuck it.

The most random place where you had sex?
I was such a horny teenager (who wasn’t, right?) I had sex in so many random places, the weirdest one ended up being a comfortable bed…
Whatever, those random places included: A fitting room, woods, cinema, dark alley, my porch at night.

You are in an art studio and there is a nude female model on a pedestal in front of you. She has her back to you at first while you take your seat and lay out your canvas and charcoal pencils. When she turns to face you and assumes her pose, you are blown away by the similarities you share with her body. You study her naked form more closely as you begin to draw and find yourself getting strangely attracted to her. You wonder if it is because she is identical to you from the neck down. You are so fascinated with this woman's body and your experience that you decide to write down every detail that you were unable to capture in your drawing.What do you write?
I would be too busy fucking her brains out to write a thing.

Were you bi-curious?
Was I? I guess so… Women are beautiful and sexy as fuck, no room for doubt there. I still prefer cocks.

You have to give your opinion on pubic hair, and if/how/when/why you decided to change yours (why, especially with regards to boyfriends vs media, being the fun part).
I like it better when guys shave their balls, then I won’t have to pick hairs off my tongue.
I waxed for the first time to surprise my ex, I keep doing it ever since because I really feel waaay more confortable and clean that way. Besides, I don’t want to give guys an excuse to not go down on me.
Even if, right now, the only guy going down on me is my vibrator and he doesn’t have the option to refuse.

Pill and/or condom and/or what?
Condom… I’m thinking about going on the pill, though. Yes, I’m afraid my vibrator may knock me up, shut up!

What is your favorite sex position?
Any kind of sex? Lying on whatever with a guy’s head between my legs. Intercourse wise, doggy style.

Spit or swallow? *Fun Fact: This was the most asked question.
I’ll just say all those nutrition facts better be true…

What was the best sex session you had, how was it different than normal?
I guess when my then-boyfriend and I went to a motel… Simple, it was comfortable and I didn’t have to worry about any of our parents interrupting us.

What was the most awkward sexual situation you have been in?
Any time I had to keep a poker face on when my parents came into the living room and my then-boyfriend had to hide his erection under a pillow.

What exactly are your sexual complexes?
I asked and googled a definition for sexual complexes… I still have no idea in which direction should I go; complex as if I’m attracted to my father…? if I’m ashamed of the taste of my pussy…? or if I like to suck on toes…?
Since I have no idea what you meant I’ll just tell you something weird about myself… you like that, huh? I don’t know if it’s a feminist thing but I have a hard time fantasizing about guys being rough on me. If I’m in the mood for a little s&m, I have to picture myself with another woman.

What do you find the sexiest part of a man is?
Eyes… Tongue… Arms… Shoulders… Smile… Abs…

What do you find the sexiest part of a woman is?
Eyes, boobies, lips and butt.

Cuddle or "get off!"?
I’ll cuddle the shit out of him! <3

Would you suck an asian penis?
Is there a nice guy attached to it…? Or is it a walking penis made in Asia?

How was the first time you had sex?
I, seriously, did so much shit with a penis before one actually touch my vagina that it wasn’t that big of a deal for me… It did hurt, though… It hurt as hell.

Have you tried anal, what is your opinion on it?
Yes.
My review? Well, it’s not ‘that bad’… That’s about it. Every time I did it my backdoor didn’t function properly for the rest of the day.

Where do you draw the line when it comes to sex experimentation?
No one will ever pee on me, nor will I pee on somebody else… There’s my line right there.

Pearl rabbit or Tantus Hoss?
I just googled the Tantus… That shit is graphic! I will choose the Rabbit, because it’s pink and pretty.

Would you ever consider taking money for sex?
I’ve never seen myself in such a desperate position… I wouldn’t know. Although, my answer right now would be a big no.
Or giving money for sex? (with an extremely handsome guy that you can't get into bed otherwise?)
This will definitely be no. More than half of the fun (for me) is feeling desired; I want the guy to be thinking “Holy shit, dude, I’m banging her! Holy fucking shit!”… Without that, it’s just not worth it.
(I guess we just found another “limit” of mine, good job, you!)

Have you ever done webcam sex?
Funny you ask… It was my first kind of sex.
I’m too old for that shit now, though.

What are your wildest fantasies?
Threesome with a guy and a lesbian…
I wouldn’t say no to a threesome with two guys, though.
And, I guess, a heterosexual couple would work too but the girl must be more interested in me…. I JUST FUCKING WANT ATTENTION, OK!?

What's the kinkiest thing you've ever done?
Telling a bunch of strangers about my sexual life.

Why are you so beautiful?
thanks

Are your friends and classmates aware of this blog where they can actually read about your sexual life and preferences? If so, then based on that information, they could take some certain actions to quickly get between your legs (or should I say to win your love). Or, let's put it upside down - do you aim at that by blogging here?
Are you asking me if I started a blog to get laid? Why didn’t I think of that?
No. They have no idea I’m a secret blogger *evil laugh*