It’s not obvious, since I always act annoyed when I’m around you (and, sadly, I’m not faking it in any way) but deep down I do like you… You can blame that on the fact that you’re so annoying that you’re amusing added to the way you hold on so hard to me. I guess, what I’m trying to say is that I kinda care about you, Muffin. So, I felt the need to write this letter.
Trusting a guy who you just started going out with may not be the easiest thing to do, I know. I also know insanity always makes sense to the insane… That’s why I’m here for, to tell you it DOESN’T make sense; you’re, in fact, fucking losing it.
I attached a transcript of our last phone call, in hopes it opens up your eyes.
You: I just heard you met my boyfriend last night.
Me: I did?
You: Yep, on that party I couldn’t go to.
Me: Who was he?
You: A blonde dude; he told me you talked.
Me: I don’t remember a blonde guy.
You: Ok, he’s sandy.
Me: I don’t remember a sandy guy either.
You: Make an effort. He told me he talked to you and I need to know if he respects me.
Me: … If he respects you?
You: Yeah, I mean, how did he act?
Me: I’m telling you I don’t remember him.
You: You guys talked!
Me: I’m hearing you and I don’t mean to sound like I’m the shit or anything but I talked to a lot of guys at that party.
You: Try to remember… I couldn’t go that party and I need to know how does he act when I’m not around.
Me: Would it make you feel any better if I tell you not a single guy grabbed my ass…? That includes him.
You: Of course he’s not going to grab your ass, he knows who you are! I’m talking about other girls’ asses.
[That’s all I got… I stopped making notes the moment I notice you weren’t kidding]
You now see it, right?
Lola “Hopes-When-She-Does-Get-A-Boyfriend-Doesn’t-End-Up-Acting-Just-Like-You-Are-Because-It-Would-Be-Totally-Embarrassing” Dahl
Ps. If you keep this behavior going I may be forced to call your little boyfriend and yell “ABORT MISSION!” until he gets the point; for his own sake as much as for yours.