Tuesday, March 8, 2011

“He Don’t” and “She Don’t”

Dear Girl-Who-Took-My-Muffin-When-I-Was-Desperately-Trying-To-Get-Rid-of-You-And-Who-From-Now-On-I’ll-Simply-Refer-As-‘Muffin’:

It’s not obvious, since I always act annoyed when I’m around you (and, sadly, I’m not faking it in any way) but deep down I do like you… You can blame that on the fact that you’re so annoying that you’re amusing added to the way you hold on so hard to me. I guess, what I’m trying to say is that I kinda care about you, Muffin. So, I felt the need to write this letter.

Trusting a guy who you just started going out with may not be the easiest thing to do, I know. I also know insanity always makes sense to the insane… That’s why I’m here for, to tell you it DOESN’T make sense; you’re, in fact, fucking losing it.

I attached a transcript of our last phone call, in hopes it opens up your eyes.

You: I just heard you met my boyfriend last night.
Me: I did?
You: Yep, on that party I couldn’t go to.
Me: Who was he?
You: A blonde dude; he told me you talked.
Me: I don’t remember a blonde guy.
You: Ok, he’s sandy.
Me: I don’t remember a sandy guy either.
You: Make an effort. He told me he talked to you and I need to know if he respects me.
Me: … If he respects you?
You: Yeah, I mean, how did he act?
Me: I’m telling you I don’t remember him.
You: You guys talked!
Me: I’m hearing  you and I don’t mean to sound like I’m the shit or anything but I talked to a lot of guys at that party.
You: Try to remember… I couldn’t go that party and I need to know how does he act when I’m not around.
Me: Would it make you feel any better if I tell you not a single guy grabbed my ass…? That includes him.
You: Of course he’s not going to grab your ass, he knows who you are! I’m talking about other girls’ asses.

[That’s all I got… I stopped making notes the moment I notice you weren’t kidding]

You now see it, right?

Lola “Hopes-When-She-Does-Get-A-Boyfriend-Doesn’t-End-Up-Acting-Just-Like-You-Are-Because-It-Would-Be-Totally-Embarrassing” Dahl

Ps. If you keep this behavior going I may be forced to call your little boyfriend and yell “ABORT MISSION!” until he gets the point; for his own sake as much as for yours.


  1. Come on... What's so insane about being untrusting, possessive and maybe paranoid, to the point of incapacity to communicate when the object of love/desperation is the topic?
    Myyy precioussssss... He's mine!
    Don't call her muffin, call her Gollum. Goffin. Mullum.

  2. I am a horrible person. When I read "abort mission" I heard the mission impossible theme in my head and pictured someone running around with a wire coat hanger.

    You should have told her that her boyfriend was an ass, because if he talked to you he should have introduced himself to you.

    However this brings up one of my rules, when I was still a bachelor, “don’t get involved with crazy girls.” If I even got the hint of controlling or possessive personality I would get away as fast as possible.

    P.S. I see drama in your future involving this muffin girl. So, good luck with that.

  3. I think muffins are delicious, I have no idea what this has to do with your situation, but I would also add that all my attempts to psychoanalyze muffins have been fruitless. (with the exception of a few blueberries and raisins.)

  4. Os juntais todos los locos, Lola. No se como lo haceis pero os acabais juntando todos. =)

    PD: A esa chica no la tocaría ni con un palo. Tiene pinta de ser "excesivamente cariñosa".

  5. lolol "Hopes-When-She-Does-Get-A-Boyfriend-Doesn’t-End-Up-Acting-Just-Like-You-Are-Because-It-Would-Be-Totally-Embarrassing"

  6. @bob. Maybe if the guy wants to be possessed everything would be ok... But I’d judge them both, hard. I like Muffin for her, she’s such a muffin!

    @Jules. Oh, I should have! How come I didn’t think of that? She’s making me feel all bad because he knew who I was and I didn’t know who he was. Screw that impolite bastard (I guess she’s already doing that, right?).
    I fear something worse for Muffin and I… We will become best friends, oh lord.

    @Kevin. You shouldn’t psychoanalyze muffins, just enjoy them hon. Philosophy I may take on with my dear friend Muffin.

    @Juanjo. Entonces como es que estoy yo aquí y tú no? Tu argumento es inválido.
    Me recordaste a mi hermano con esa expresión… Sera muy común pero siempre se la escucho a él cuando dice que no tocaría a las gordas ni con un palo. Como me gusta difamar a ese pobre hombre.

    @Zac. Don’t laugh too hard, I’m really afraid I may become her.

  7. Enjoy muffin? *inserts inappropriate comment about possibility of [unspecified subject] muff-diving Muffin*

  8. I have to get something out of that friendshit , after all! ;D
    (yes, I'm aware I just wrote shit, it was a typo and I was ready to correct it but I found it way more amusing this way)

  9. We'll blame the spanish keyboard, because on the qwerty or azerty that one heck of a typo, Ms Freud.