Thursday, March 10, 2011

Mothers are Slightly Insane

Fuck love. Fuck compatibility. Fuck years of building up a relationship.

Little grasshoppers, you can easily tell if you two are going to get married judging just by the story of how you met.

Don’t take my word for it. TV says so. When someone dedicates a six season show just to tell a story of how He met Her, you know He is going to marry that bitch.

My parents, as another example (a real life one), were at a dinner party; my dad spotted my mom surrounded by a lot of “almost daddies”. He asked if anyone was married to her and when the answer was a definite ‘no’, he made room for himself and introductions took place. You see? Totally PG.

What you’ll read next is an example of how things should NOT play out.


The place is quiet.

A man around his late thirties is reading the paper on the couch.

A girl who’s 9 years old and a boy who’s 6 enter the room in the same quiet manner.

Dad, you’ve never told us how you and mommy met.

(Doesn’t glance at them)
And there’s a very good reason for that, kid.

Come on, the neighbors’ kid told us this lovely story of how his parents met!

(Places the newspaper down)
The neighbors are a gay couple, sweetie… They are not the biologi- oh, forget it!

Both kids just stare blankly at their father.

You really want to hear the story, huh?


Fine… Don’t say I didn’t warn you…
(Clears throat)
Mommy and Daddy were… How do I say this nicely? Cuddling… Yes! We were cuddling. Suddenly mommy decided to stop the… cuddling… and said “I know this isn’t exactly the time to ask this but… Do you even know my name?”
(Looks down, ashamed)
Kids, I completely forgot to ask for her name…
(Short pause)
I don’t know if it was the vodka-I mean, mommy’s secret medicine- but she just laughed. Then, she whispered her name, shook my hand and added “Nice to meet you”.

I’m going to rephrase my point: by the story of how you met, you can totally tell who you’re not going to marry… Well, when I put it that way my hypothesis doesn’t sound that impressive.

I’d be too embarrassed to tell this story if the dude wouldn’t have called me the very next day to ask me out on a real date.

Which is today.

Now, if you excuse me, I’m sure Cosmo has an article for a situation just like mine. I need outfit&hair advice. Hey! He may not be Future Mr. Dahl, but I still want to look hot, ok? Take it as a public service.


  1. Wow. Sorry to hear that. Good luck finding a guy that cares because it sounds like he really isn't all that into you.

  2. I had a good laugh at this, but it's not really the story how yet met. Well technically yes, it was a late introduction, but I am sure there was a party before hand and somehow you to got to talking/ kissing, or whatever. That would be how you actually met. I doubt he magically appeared in your bed and started going at it.

    I guess the more important question is did you know his name before hand? However the most important question is was he any good? ;)

    Your story is still better than how I met my wife. The first time I met my wife one of my roommates at the time brought her back to the room. Then she was kind of a distant friend with us, coming to parties and such. Over the course of the next 3 years both of my roommates had gone on a date with her, lucky they didn’t get beyond the first date. After my roommates graduate and moved away, I moved in with her, as she had an open room in an apartment and I needed a room. After I moved we didn’t start dating until about a year later. Then after 2 months of dating she left for 2 years doing travel nursing across the country. We kept a long distance relationship. Finally after a graduated with my masters, we picked an area and moved back together.

    P.S. Well, look at it this way we have been interacting via this blog for probably a year now, (ever since you came to the fail blog) but we don’t know each other’s real names, so what’s in a name?

  3. Extra bonus points for the writing style. Lost points for interrupting "cuddling" for such trivial matters. What was his immediate reaction, smile or silence?

    Only three categories of people could tell stories of "cuddling with the unknown" (sounds like a 60s sci-fi flick): women, those men that make them stare just that extra second when they enter the room, and the bastards with great timing on their booze.
    That makes the rest of us a minority of humanity. It often sucks to be in a minority.

    Advantage of knowing you're not serious from the start, you can have mindless fun. Hope the date goes well.

  4. I still think you might find him quite interesting (not only in bed manners), and then who knows...

  5. how did you end up cuddling anyway?

    next time: introduction and then cuddling

  6. @Ryius. Don’t feel so bad for me, dude. Everything went better than expected.

    @Jules. Wait! So your real name isn’t Jules? Oh, the deception!
    I love the fact that you are such an optimist and I agree with you. The dude and I met at a party; I knew his name because someone else introduced me to him… It was something like “Hey! You’re the girl from Mexico right? My friend right here has family in Mexico! He’s such a nice guy!”… The weird thing is, we talked for about 5 hours while walking all over town before the cuddling happened; he knew what my two brothers major in at before he knew my name. I seriously don’t know how that happened. Neither does him.

    @Bob. Oh, that was awesome… His reaction was pure gold; he was shocked he never asked for a name and then said “Well… I’d remember it if you’d have told me!” “Well, dude! I would have told you if you’d have asked!” We laughed.

    @Nothing’s Up. Yes. He is. Our date yesterday was completely innocent and he turned out to be shy and nerdy… I can work with that.

    @Anon. I seriously don’t know. We talked for hours beforehand… We just forgot my name. I knew his.

  7. Oh Lola... You crack me up, girl!

    I must say that as a man who spends WAY too much time working/traveling, etc... and not NEARLY enough time "cuddling", I am living vicariously through you.

  8. I’m perfectly ok with that, Roy. I wish I had a more interesting life to offer you but I guess we can work with what we already have.

  9. by cuddling you mean sex?

  10. I really like this entry, but I would propose a different story.

    A 16-year old dude and his father just finished working on a car, overalls on, all greasy and they grab a beer, sit back and enjoy the view of a 73 camaro.
    -Hey dad
    -How did you and mom actually meet?
    -Well, son, I met her at this party and she just looked so damn hot I nailed here before even asking her name
    -Sweet, I've never been trying but I've never been able to pull that off.
    -Well then, keep on trying :D

  11. yes, mothers are insane. Their brains get all wacky.

  12. it would be so funny if all the "remember my name and handshake" happened during doggie style

    nice image!

  13. @Anon. Hey. We don’t say de S word in front of the children.

    @JWIW. Apparently I’m going to have a very liberal family and a very open relationship with my children. Makes sense.

    @Mr Chris. Especially when they’re horny.

    @Anon. No. I’m sorry. The night was ridiculous enough without adding a funny introduction position.

  14. amanhã é segunda, dia de trabalho!


  15. Even though I agree with your point... I'm not sure how is it relevant.

  16. Isn't this a tv show with that kid from Doogie Houser?

  17. I'm working on getting him interested on the project.

  18. You're a nerd magnet i guess.

    The guy sounds like me. Until I go to some dark place or place with lot of people where 2 would get lost in the crowd anonymously.

    A white lies gig worked for me. Thats how I get my gf.

  19. I would love to be a nerd magnet. Cute nerds are way hotter than cute regular guys.

    I have to ask... How can you relate with this guy if I haven't spoke a thing about his personality? I'm curious.