Don’t be alarm by this letter assuming its content will be an attack. I’m incapable of such thing. I write without the intention of bother or humiliate you. Surely, I apologize by my request of attention; I know your feelings must be granting it only grudgingly but I’m requesting it in a sense of justice.
First, let me share my best wishes. I truly hope the hangover wasn’t so bad it made your head explode or that you haven’t died in some other freakish accident. Nothing makes me happier that knowing a gang of black skinned gentlemen haven’t share intimacy with you.
Our last encounter left me anxious; as a caring person I feel it’s my duty to help you in whichever way possible, therefore, I’m attaching a document you may find useful in the future.
Dealing with a Girl You Used to Date 101
When Being An Asshole is Extremely Unnecessary
Ask yourself these questions: Was she honest with you while you were going out? Was she nice? Did she try to make you feel comfortable (meaning, she was never clingy and/or listen to you whine about grades)? Did she pretend to be interested while you talked about Assassin’s Creed for half an hour? If you answered yes to most of these questions, this chapter is for you.
Be sure you’re in the easiest situation possible: simple lack of compatibility. No need to do anything else but avoid being an asshole.
Here are a few tips:
*Note: We are required to advice you that getting your butt drunk is never a good idea, even if you’re in college and, consequently, immortal. Drinking whiskey directly from the bottle will just make you look like an idiot.
- It’s considered well manners to greet the people you know from a small group; if you’re shy, just grow a pair.
- Pretending to fade out every time your friends try to get you to talk to her it’s frowned upon in some cultures.
- Spending your whole night in a corner, alone with your cellphone may not show rudeness, but it’s pathetic. What the hell is wrong with you?
- If she, sick of your annoying friends, gives up and comes around to talk to you for a while, according to basic rules of etiquette, you should answer her.
Please understand the purpose for my next confession is to bring nothing but truth to your eyes. Your friend, the one you talked wonders about to me, brought disgrace to your friendship by having an indecent conduct towards me. I can be as explicit as you want me to be: aside from being a sweet talker, he had his hands all over me. He, even, offered to walk me home; proposal I politely refuse since I found out he is committed to another woman.
I know it may be uncomfortable news to you; I, however, hope you recover quickly since I’m graciously asking to give him my number if a break up happens in a near future. I see great premarital sex potential, I’m sure you understand.
My most sincere ‘fuck you’,
Lola “His-hands-felt-better-than-yours-ever-did” Dahl