Monday, April 11, 2011

Go Home, Mac, Like a Good Guy

Dear Dude:

Don’t be alarm by this letter assuming its content will be an attack. I’m incapable of such thing. I write without the intention of bother or humiliate you. Surely, I apologize  by my request of attention; I know your feelings must be granting it only grudgingly but I’m requesting it in a sense of justice.

First, let me share my best wishes. I truly hope the hangover wasn’t so bad it made your head explode or that you haven’t died in some other freakish accident. Nothing makes me happier that knowing a gang of black skinned gentlemen haven’t share intimacy with you. 

Our last encounter left me anxious; as a caring person I feel it’s my duty to help you in whichever way possible, therefore, I’m attaching a document you may find useful in the future.

Dealing with a Girl You Used to Date 101

Chapter 3:
When Being An Asshole is Extremely Unnecessary

Ask yourself these questions: Was she honest with you while you were going out? Was she nice? Did she try to make you feel comfortable (meaning, she was never clingy and/or listen to you whine about grades)? Did she pretend to be interested while you talked about Assassin’s Creed for half an hour? If you answered yes to most of these questions, this chapter is for you.

Be sure you’re in the easiest situation possible: simple lack of compatibility. No need to do anything else but avoid being an asshole.

Here are a few tips:

*Note: We are required to advice you that getting your butt drunk is never a good idea, even if you’re in college and, consequently, immortal. Drinking  whiskey directly from the bottle will just make you look like an idiot.

  • It’s considered well manners to greet the people you know from a small group; if you’re shy, just grow a pair.
  • Pretending to fade out every time your friends try to get you to talk to her it’s frowned upon in some cultures.
  • Spending your whole night in a corner, alone with your cellphone may not show rudeness, but it’s pathetic. What the hell is wrong with you?
  • If she, sick of your annoying friends, gives up and comes around to talk to you for a while, according to basic rules of etiquette, you should answer her.

Please understand the purpose for my next confession is to bring nothing but truth to your eyes. Your friend, the one you talked wonders about to me, brought disgrace to your friendship by having an indecent conduct towards me. I can be as explicit as you want me to be: aside from being a sweet talker, he had his hands all over me. He, even, offered to walk me home; proposal I politely refuse since I found out he is committed to another woman.

I know it may be uncomfortable news to you; I, however, hope you recover quickly since I’m graciously asking to give him my number if a break up happens in a near future. I see great premarital sex potential, I’m sure you understand.

My most sincere ‘fuck you’,
Lola “His-hands-felt-better-than-yours-ever-did” Dahl

23 comments:

  1. Sigh... Boys are dumb. Sorry chica! <3

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  2. That's sad. The guy's a shmuck. Any conversation about Assassins Creed someone over 15 years old is a bad sign. If it makes you feel better, guys' hearts often break too - just as badly in fact.

    A couple things.
    First, here's a website I thought you might like.
    http://www.asmyjunk.com/

    Second, The news out of Mexico is getting more alarming every week.

    http://www.washingtonpost.com/world/mexican-drug-cartels-targeting-and-killing-children/2011/04/07/AFwkFb9C_story.html

    Perhaps you and your family could stay in Spain for a while (?)

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  3. What ? Why talking about a game should be a bad sign ?

    Listening to something you don't like or pretending to like something you hate\dislike is a bad sign. Without offence, it's plain stupid.

    Furthermore, compromises are good only if they are expressed. Something like "ok, let's talk about your stupid game, but after that you are going to massage the hell out of me\lick my pussy till it gets dry".

    Then, if he acts like an asshole (like he did, in fact) of course he's one. But, sad cause he talks about something he likes and nobody tells him to shut the hell up ? Not really.

    I'm sure it feels good but please, stop kissing her ass.

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  4. Games are for kids. They're a guilty pleasure for anyone out of high school.

    He was taking advantage of her sincere attraction and attentiveness to indulge in yapping about juvenalia - and if it's not Star Wars (or Fringe), then that's not OK. It's dim-witted and shallow.

    Throwing her away like that .. it makes sense if the chemistry wasn't there - the heart wants what it wants, etc.. But he shouldn't lean on her & then not really be there.

    Pearls before swine - he doesnt' deserve Lolah's fine, fine arse & other lovely features.

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  5. A bit disappointing.
    Not the appalling guy's behavior. Not the excusable fact that your near-perfect English has a few more errors than usual. Not the once-again witty and original conveyance of the information, which makes this blog so addictive. Not even the way in which what looked like a fun relationship so few posts ago disintegrated into rancor. Not even the odd comment posters this blog now seems to have.
    It's the cheap shots that bother me. He's being an asshole, you have the right to be angry. Outside of the obvious entertainment value for the rest of us, I don't believe there is much to be gained by being mean when addressing this piece of trash.

    Focus on the positive side of the story, forever immortalized in Internet Lore by your previous posts, and what they taught you ("Experience is what you get, when you don't get what you wanted"). Since you were not so long ago willing to offer him non-drunk BJs, and considering what he had gotten previously, I'm hoping not to catch you joking anymore about his ability to make you feel good, young lady.
    Just because that sorry excuse for a human being ain't worth the sweet down-payment you put on that relationship, doesn't mean you have to drill down to his level.
    :o)

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  6. Stop beating yourself up over that asshole...
    Believe me, with time you get really good at knowing if a person is good or bad very fast.
    Live and learn as they say, but now you know everything is going to be better next time.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DHXpnZi9Hzs

    Cheer the fuck up xD

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  7. you ever consider writing an actual book? funniest shit ever

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  8. "I, however, hope you recover quickly since I’m graciously asking to give him my number if a break up happens in a near future. I see great premarital sex potential, I’m sure you understand."

    A mí no me cuentas las cosas así de divertidas, coño. Loles como soles, oiga. La puta jefa.

    PD: Ayer te fuiste sin decir ni hasta luego.

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  9. ,,Did she pretend to be interested while you talked about Assassin’s Creed for half an hour?''

    How unclassy! I would have started off with a conversation about discrete mathematics, naturally followed by a heated debate about decidability and the foundations of mathematics, finishing off with a calming incursion into the realm of quantum electrodynamics.

    And then I wonder why no one likes me.


    On a more serious note, Dude sounds like a bit of a dick.

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  10. Oooh! Quantum ElectroDynamics!
    Don't forget to talk about the US Deficit! that's always a hoot!

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  11. @Danni. Boys, yeah. Men, nope. <3

    @Hugh G. Rection (I see what you did there). My family is in mexico; at least my parents and one of my brother, just as my entire paternal family. I know firsthand things are horrible, believe me.

    @Nah. I’ve never tried it, but I’m sure you’re right. Kissing my ass must be lovely.

    @E. Nourmous Penis (*giggles*). Thank you for the compliment, you kind sir… I’m loving all the attention my patootie is getting.

    @bob. I knew my grammar would be a big fail here… Even though I learned English in school, my real knowledge I got it from tv and internet. Like casual stuff, ya know?
    Believe me, he’s history. Either I’m growing up, or this guy surely did all the right things to make me get over him in seconds.

    @Mike. Oh believe me, I’m ecstatic.

    @Squint. Thank you! <3

    @Juanjo. Loles como soles, mejor expresión de todo mi dia. Cuando te lo conte estaba enfadada, necesito al menos un dia entero para reirme de ello como es debido.

    @Xarnae. I can’t believe that little comment is creating such controversy.

    @Harry. Yep, girls pretty much dig that.

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  12. Considering how you learnT it, your English sure beats most of the pure-bred Americans I see around... Probably because teachers do drill the rules in our heads more than when you pick it up from your environment.

    I do concur that kissing girls' asses is lovely. Regular practicing recommended.

    I found out that it got easier to get girls to talk about fractal spaces than quantum physics. Somehow, recently, they prefer to talk about Di Caprio's world-within-world recursions, rather than observation uncertainty of my fingers. In public at least.

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  13. is this one of those emails/letters someone would write but not send, or did you actually send it to him?

    i find it a bit unecessary to ramble on like that if you've already gotten over him. it sounds, though, like you haven't really.

    If you don't care about someone anymore, why devote so much time to them? Especially when it's not been a several months/year relationship?

    cheers and have a good day

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  14. I found the last comment of the "dick-related-nicknames" guy amusing, really. And your reply too, Lola. Thanks.

    I must admit, I'm impressed by the lack of total shitstorm (Zombieland is a hell of a drug) I was expecting from the others. These ass kisser are becoming smarter.

    @Anonymous - You can't find something unnecessary when writing a blog. That would nullify the reason to have one. (sorry for answering your comment, it isn't really nice of me, I know. Please, hang on while Lola phrases a more appropriate answer for you).

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  15. I found the last comment of the "dick-related-nicknames" guy amusing, really. And your reply too, Lola. Thanks.

    I must admit, I'm impressed by the lack of total shitstorm (Zombieland is a hell of a drug) I was expecting from the others. These ass kissers are becoming smarter.

    @Anonymous - You can't find something unnecessary when writing a blog. That would nullify the reason to have one. (sorry for answering your comment, it isn't really nice of me, I know. Please, hang on while Lola phrases a more appropriate answer for you).

    You can delete the double post, sorry.

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  16. I don't mean "unnecessary to read", au contraire I'm happy there is a new blog entry :P (yeah that's all your life is to me haha)

    I meant that it would be a waste to devote the time and the energy on an obvious idiot like that. Just take that other cute guy the one with the cruel friends or something.

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  17. Wow. Way to shit on his rainbow.

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  18. wow... commenters spawned like mushrooms here. hehehe. Better like this, but i feel most of it been said. Forget and move on. (and yes, this post was more of a "Hi Lola, i still follow your blog" than a real comment XD )

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  19. I've given you an award! You can stop by my blog to pick it up! :D
    Random Thoughts By Danni

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  20. @bob. *Puts her smart pants on* actually, “learnt” would be considered incorrect in an American English exam; it’s mostly used in Great Britain. I know stuff :D

    @Anon. Nah already beat me to it, my answer would have been almost exactly as his… I will just like to add that I don’t consider writing an entry about this dude just 2 days after it happened devoting that hell of a time; especially if you consider my blog contains entries about vibrators, grocery shopping and my future marriage with Rupert Grint.

    @Nah. Thank you for jumping in :* Don't you worry about the double post.

    @Incognegro. I have no idea what you mean, but I did this: http://i55.tinypic.com/2ey9t1l.jpg

    @Pedro. Thank you (:

    @Random. Aw (: You’re the sweetest.

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  21. Apologies. Re-reading my comment, I didn't mean it to correct you (wrongly), even if I wrote it such that it looks that way. I know people west of the pond use "learned" and "dreamed", I always smile thinking of the heart attack that it would give my British-schooled teachers. Getting yelled at enough times is why us ESL people tend to have more proper English than the natives :)
    Last week was "make a fool of myself on internet boards" week, for sure. Need that vacation badly.

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  22. English is an adorable language, isn't?

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