Sunday, May 29, 2011

Girls Aren’t Too Much Help

no women
no wonder it's dark

the vapors
turning japanese

I should add “no reason to blog”.

There was no need to come up with an original introduction for this entry; those lyrics describe my life so perfectly now that I have final exams starting in less than a week.

My days have been reduced to: study/kill the few neurons I’ve left on the internet/eat/poop... Notice I didn’t mention “fuck”. I’m worrying for sanity, here. No matter how much effort my vibrator puts into it (and the poor thing is risking the chance of overheating), it doesn’t seem to be enough.

If TV shows have taught me something is that a girl can fix all her problems getting drunk having a cute boyfriend with a nice girly chat. I thought I could count on my friend, Grey, with this; she, after all, got that lousy nickname from Grey’s Anatomy; for being such a horny med student. I was so wrong about everything that I already decided it’s going straight to my biography.

“I need to get laid” I confessed while Grey and I hung out in her bedroom. I laughed but I was being deadly serious “I swear I can’t think of anything but sex… And it’s not exactly convenient, you know? Everything makes me horny… “ I stopped abruptly; Grey’s eyes were piercing into my soul “Why are you looking at me like that?”

“I just realized I’m definitely not a lesbian” She answered, as if it was something to be proud about “Here I am, with such an easy opportunity to fuck you and I can honestly say I don’t want to”.

I slammed the door on my way out so hard a moody teenager would be proud.

I don’t know where she got her Friendship Manual but I didn’t feel a bit comforted after hearing how unfuckable I am.

Shallow college girl in search for an attractive
23 year old guy with a sense of humor
and flexible hours.
No experience required.


  1. I'll be in Spain in less than seven hours.

  2. Aww, there, there Lola. *patPat*

    I'm not into women but I think you're filed with yummy hawtness. The interwebz wouldn't be nearly as great a place without you.

  3. I really don't know why you would take it personally. If those are more or less the words she used, than she has thought about it in the past. Probably specifically with you, but being put into the situation we should could easily have you and she doesn't want to means that she is not into girls in general.

  4. I agree with Jules, to me what she said seems more like a compliment. If she decides that she's definitely not homo- or bisexual because she doesn't want to have sex with you that means she actually considers you quite attractive. After all I don't want to fuck women I don't find attractive, but that doesn't make me gay ;)

    Also first time commenting on your blog, I've been reading it for a couple weeks after I found the link to it on failbook. I find your writing style hilarious I hope to see more frequent updates after you've finished your exams. ;) Love your tumblr as well, it's kinda like memebase with the 99% of shit that gets posted on there these days filtered out.

  5. Yep, I'll third that opinion. Refusing to fuck ugly people doesn't make you anything, it's refusing to do attractive people that matters.

    OTOH, either you're teasing us, or we need to reject Spain from the EU and the latin-lovers club. There is no way a nice-looking girl like you should ever be suffering from lack of penis. There's usually massive quantities for not enough demand, and over 25% of young Spanish dick-holders do not have a job limiting their daytime availability, so why can't you find someone to bone you in this god-forsaken place?

  6. @NYC. So…? I was waiting.

    @Deep. Ow! You around here <3! My hawtness is growing old, if I don’t take advantage of it now I’d regret it when I’m old.

    @Jules, Dom, Bob. Don’t think I was actually mad at her; I laughed, yell “I wouldn’t sex you up either!” loud enough for her dorm neighbors to hear and left in a fake-dramatic way because it was late anyway.
    What I mean is, there were other things she could’ve said to make me feel better other than “I don’t want to do you”.

    @Dom. Thank you, the frequency of my entries actually depends on the amount of interesting “events” I attend.
    Hope you continue enjoying this blog and my tumblr, which is basically define what makes me laugh/turns me on.

    @Bob. On their defense, I’m not going out lately… When I do, I have a fair amount of young penises around me.

  7. @Lola. I just wanna clear something up with you. If I really came to Spain to visit you...say for three weeks, would you find that odd? In all seriousness. I mean we joke around about it, and it's cute, but I'd probably do it. Oh btw, I'm gonna send you a secret message on your facebook fanpage.

  8. Ok I get it, this now officially serves the purpose of making insecure lola (who is basically fishing for compliments in her latest entries) feel better about her frustrating real life...

  9. Isn't that the only purpose anything ever serves on the internet?

    Exams are stressful, you take your ego boosts where you can. Also I have some experience with fishing for compliments and what Lola is doing doesn't even come close to what I'm used to.

  10. you could easily fix that problem by finding yourself a slav-, a guy friend that wants to fuc-, listen to your problems. They will even buy you stuff and spend countless hours, well past their bedtimes, before finals thinkin up and making creative romantic gifts for you. Don't worry about hurting his feelings, you're doing him a huge favor. Negative reinforcement is very common in nature.

  11. @NYC. If you came to see the country, no… If you do it just to visit me, yes; I’m awesome but not “flight a ten thousand miles” awesome.

    @ Don. Huh? Where did you get I’m insecure? No, no, hun, I’m hot and young, my self-esteem is fine; I just want to get laid. No amount of compliments will get me to reach an orgasm, so people could just save them.

    @dom. Heehee… You guys have similar names.

    @Anon. Fuck buddies buy stuff for each other? Awesome! However… I don’t have guy friends here with that kind of trust ):

  12. I was being sarcastic about myself and a situation i was in basically. and no, in my exp never had a fuck buddy buy me something...but maybe it's b/c i pretend to be a gentleman and that im stuck in the South

  13. I'll get back to your "quiet ones" remark from a few posts back. If you badly need to get laid, make it a public service for the next random nerdy guy you meet, who's drooling over the hot girls he usually wouldn't get.
    That's usually someone you can trust.

    Just don't pick the one that will then stalk you.

  14. Al fin alcanze tu ultimo post jaja acabo de terminar de leer todo tu blog. Gracias por entretenerme en vacaciones.

    Saludos desde la frontera Mexico-EU

  15. @lola, i won't compliment you although i think from the gif that you are a very attractive young lady. i only that if i knew you IRL, you wouldn't have to tell me twice if you're horny.

  16. I hope you don't mind me coming around. <3

    I think you actually are "fly ten thousand miles awesome." I'm 34 now, and I can only hope that the shelf life on hawtness does not expire quite so quickly as you're thinking.

  17. @Anon. How is pretending to be a gentleman keeps you from receiving gifts? You’ve been hanging out with the wrong crowd.

    @Bob. I can’t go for the quiet one being a quiet one myself… I really need the other person to make the first step. After that I’m just a charming snowflake.

    @ Alberto. Qué manera de presumirme que estas vacaciones mientras yo tengo un examen super dificil el Lunes!

    @Don. Thank you; I guess my problem is that I don’t regulary tell guys I know in real life that I’m horny. Unless I’m drunk. That usually takes me places…

    @Deep. Oh, I don’t mind at all. I like having you here! You are 34? Wow, I have just seen one little picture of you but you don’t look even close to being 30. Good job you.

  18. Right. You're the quiet one. Because spending classes trying to "look sexy while I was flipping my hair" and "tried to give my pen a blowjob" is being quiet.
    Unless your "first step" is removing the other's underwear...

  19. Yes, yes… I do those things…
    I still don’t have the guts to just go straight to them to ask them out…

  20. ...but you expect him to. Somewhere a feminist just dropped dead. Please do that again, a few times :o)

    If this was Danni's blog (and if I knew better what his attitude towards you is), I'd be daring you to do very specific things that would move the situation forward. And a few of my girl friends, you'd be more likely to do them, because it's not your guts anymore, it's me daring you. It's worked in the past because I defined exact simple things to be done. So simple that it's hard to argue against doing them, with the shoulder demon of the observer (me) being the extra incentive you need.
    Beats faking drunkenness.

  21. Ok. This is how my sweet little brain works:
    For me, there’s just one simple rule: Do whatever the hell you feel comfortable with and don’t make a big deal about it (sounds like two, but they are linked, you know?)
    If a girl feels comfortable asking a guy out, I say: Do it. I’d yell a big and loud “you go, girl!”
    I, however, don’t feel comfortable with this… Not because I don’t think girls shouldn’t take the first step but because that’s not what I’m looking for in a guy. I want a guy who I don’t have to convince I’m amazing but one who knows it already and wants to show me he’s amazing too… So I test them, if they chase me: they are interested, if they don’t: I’m not interested either.
    That goes for serious relationships and simple hook ups.

  22. Well, if you've done half of what you write about to make it clear to him that he's got a shot, even in a finals period (how did that go for you?), and it's been over two weeks now, I've got bad news for you.

    The previous paragraph involved two things: That he knows he's got a shot (always a problem with women dropping "hints"), and that he doesn't think you're just playing him, because you already made out once and then moved on.

    I'm also pretty sure you've killed another feminist or two. Good job! :o)

    In my Crude Bob Style(C), I need to point out that you've not presented the basic situation as "testing" of a guy for a hook-up. You're a female in heat badly trying to get the male that you've selected to fuck your brains out. In a no-polish-required nutshell.
    Two comments derive from that:
    - Playing "come get me" games, rather than (as men do) following the straightest path to your objective as directed by the content of your wet underwear, is the kind of behavior that Freudistas would have a field day with (is it upbringing, pride, ego, fear?).
    - Obessing too much about it is likely to end in mild disappointment, even if he's good. If it doesn't, then you'll have further troubles dealign with the great-fuck-buddy vs LTR issues.

    Which promises us even more fun posts!

  23. @bob. Do you really think that playing with my hair while I was sitting in front of him and a pleasant but short conversation about school outside a classroom is leaving him clear he has a shot? You are overestimating this barely 20 year old guy.
    As I said, I’m not actually expecting to make out with him again unless we’re both thrown together at a party under the same conditions; I just went to that class to remember how hot he was… I didn’t even talk to him. Although, I agree, he is not interested in dating me since he hasn’t call me, I wasn’t expecting otherwise. When we hooked up and he asked if I wanted us to have casual relationship I said no; decision you and I know I regret but he doesn’t.
    I’m sorry to be the carrier of bad news today… I’m pretty sure the chapter with Cute Guy is pretty damn closed; fortunately for you who wish drama on my life, I think (THINK) I’m reopening another one, I’ll keep you posted.

  24. I give him credit for respecting your prior refusal. He probably took subsequent hints as teasing (we don't like to get shot down twice).

    FYI, at 20, many (most?) guys after a nice 10 minutes discussion with a hot girl will wonder if they have a shot. We're wired that way.

    Here's to hoping the next chapter saves batteries! :oP