Thursday, June 23, 2011

Can’t Seem to Get Very Interested

You know it’s almost impossible for me to study in an empty library? Not because it is a remainder of how almost everybody in my building is home with their families…

No. It turns out I really need someone shooting me the "Study,-bitch,-that’s-why-you’re-here” look… Without that, I’m just an exceptionally cute bimbo who gets distracted by shiny objects.

Prepare yourself for a very accurate dramatization of what happens inside my head while I study alone:

1700: I’ll study for an hour, take a short break and then study some more…

1702: A vector subspace is a space inside a vector space… That’s so funny… I should make a graphic of this and post it on the internet; something like invection... No. That’s not funny at all.

1706: I wonder who decided there’s a whole universe of vectors…

1707: What I really wonder is what is like to have an erection…

1710: Vectors… Stupid little vectors – Wait! What was that? Did that led on my phone just blinked…? Nope. No, it didn’t.

1712: Danger! Danger! High Voltage! When we touch! When we kiss!♪ Man, I wish I could just get that fucking song out of my head… lol, no, I don’t; is awesome.

1715: OMG! Look at me! I’m balancing a pen with just my nose!

1718: I hate vectors.

1721:  Don’t you wanna know how we keep starting fires? It’s my desire! IT’S MY DESIRE!… I’m so glad no one came in when I decided to suddenly jump off my chair…

1727: Ok, that led totally blinked now… Yes! I got mail! omg just like that movie…!!

1729: Oh, he’s so funny. I should answer this email now…! NO! Woman, control yourself; first, you study, then, you answer emails.

1734: ██████ private ████ ████ █████ █████ little █████████ fantasy ████ ███ ███████ you █████ ███ ███ ██████ ███ ███ ████ really ████ █████ don’t ███ ██ ████  ███ ████ ███████ need ████  █████ ██ ███ ██████ ███████ to ███ ███████ know ███████████ ████ ███ █████ ████ █ █████… Should I change panties now or later?

1739: What? What am I doing glancing at other girl’s books?! My seat is at the other side of the room… How the hell did I get here? I don’t even care about finances!

1741: I understand this so well; maybe I don’t need to study… Wait! Is that a 4? That doesn’t make sense at all!

1743: I’m so going to fail.

1751: Oh… It’s a 1… That I understand. Note to self: Work on your calligraphy.  

1755: ♪When we touch! When we kiss!♪

1756: Well, that’s as close to an hour as you can get. I’ll take my very well-deserved break now. Note to self: Don’t act surprise when you fail.

Now, I’m not trying to be funny but I should really go study.

Friday, June 17, 2011

Sore and Childish

There’s nothing I hate more than when guys claim girls always fall for the jerks.

I’m going for dramatics with this entry;
there are tons of things I hate more than that, for example:
- exams
- people who dislike puppies
- hangovers

- unflushed toilets
Oh, and I guess that war stuff kinda sucks too

Dear self-proclaimed nice guys:

  1. You don’t have to finish last.
  2. There’s a difference between nice and dumb.

Sure, some girls do like mean guys, just like some girls enjoy the Twilight series… Shit happens, I won’t ever understand it but the rest of us don’t have to carry that fucking burden.

You know, I’ve been a girl for as long as I can remember and I’ve had a very traditional girl-upbringing. From marrying Barbie and Ken a zillion times to discussing contraceptives, I have done the whole ritual; I know girls. Even behind all those mind games I know what they want and, trust me on this one, lovely dick-carrier, they don’t want jerks.

Confidence. Bitches love confidence.

Confident guys are mistaken with jerks. Confident girls are mistaken with sluts. I’m guessing our society wants to give a negative connotation to people who feel secure enough to get what they want; whatever, I’m too pretty to think deeper than that, so I’ll let society figure that one out on their own.

I’ll keep this short and simple.

You are not being a nice guy if you:

  • long for the girl
  • do whatever she asks you to do
    (while you both have your clothes on and she’s not willing to do a thing for you)
  • constantly remind her how you feel about her
    (when she doesn’t feel the same way)
  • follow her wherever she goes
    (without her previous consent… or even with her consent) 
  • want to bang her but instead you’re listening to her whining about other guys

You are, actually, being an idiot and, probably, a creep. I’m sorry to break it up to you but… That’s not sexy, honey.

If you don’t think you can do better than the “good friend” status, we won’t either. If letting her go and/or admitting to yourself it’s a hopeless situation, means being a jerk… Be the biggest jerk you can be.

I know my audience; guys don’t need an ego buster section, you just need boobs… Enjoy:

boobs

Thursday, June 9, 2011

In Love with Knowledge

I reached a 100th followers and this is my way to celebrate it

titulo

To every girl who has picked
the name of their future kids after having a nice,
10 minute conversation with a guy
& to my mom, just because… Hi mom!

Note from the Author

I don’t know how to flip my hair to get guys attention and, apparently, I missed the “shake that thang” lesson. Being socially handicapped, I have no advice on how to get a man; being, then, a shy nymphomaniac I was forced to develop a mentality to survive the constant deception: whatever, if I’m not getting myself under him, I will just get over him. On that subject, my fellow cunt, I do have advice.

you’re enjoying yourself,
admit it

I don’t need to know your situation. You’re loving it. Even if it’s just deep down.

Call me a shallow twat, if your will, I don’t get to have layers; I simply confess I j’adore crushing on a guy. However, these days being dramatic is the new interesting and people consider liking someone a burden; that’s cool, whatever suits you… but if this is your situation, please admit you somewhat enjoy it. It will be our little secret…

You must enjoy an aspect of it; you wouldn’t be in this position otherwise. Perhaps you don’t enjoy the anxiety involved and I’ll be the first one to admit not being liked back is a kinda shitty. Nevertheless, if you’re a bit like me, you find relieving there’s someone so funny/hot/smart/whateverrocksyourworld out there.

I’m pointing all this crap out just to make you accept that you’re in whatever situation because you want to be and, just like that, if you really want to, you can get out of it.

is it ‘luv <3’? seriously, bitch…?
seriously?

Hey. I get it, you want to make this guy special from the rest. How are your friends ever going to take you seriously if you don’t make up some kind of soul mate or spark bullshit? That’s why I’m prescribing you a big dose of skepticism with a side of cynicism.

Unless the guy has proven he can be trusted with your feelings, whatever you’re having it’s not that big deal… It’s just wishful thinking. He’s not that awesome. He’s not that different. Your conversations are not that deep and meaningful. You’re not that alike. You’re not that into him, you’re into the idea of being with him.

if it’s not fun,
it’s not worth it

People affect you just as much as you let them. I bet you’ve thought you found “the one” before meeting your current one; I bet you’ve felt you wouldn’t be able to move on until you did… And if you’re reading this I’m predicting you are alive and, therefore, haven’t died from being so in love or from the heartbreak that comes afterwards.

Let me tell you a little story: This female friend of mine (she doesn’t need a cute nickname) told me, not so long ago, I couldn’t possibly understand the pain of longing for a guy because I’m always having “such great times”. Well… yes. Yes. She’s right. It’s not that guys fall for me (ha!), I get rejected and disposed just like she does, big difference between us is that I don’t expect guys to change their minds: fuck them. Being emotionally incapable of liking you shouldn’t be in your “perfect man” list.

(I’m assuming you’re young and carefree… Since it’s my only area of expertise)
Stop believing your love life rests on some higher power. Be reckless and stupid. Imagine yourself years from now, popping out kids and having to be responsible for some else’s sake. Do you want your memories to be about that awesome guy and his awesome music taste (whose memories won’t be about that girl who only liked “as a friend”) or some impressive shit that would be illegal to tell your children?

My methods shock the romantic types, I know. Before you get the wrong idea, consider yourself warned: jumping from guy to guy at bars won’t bring you happiness; however, is equally foolish to expect a stable relationship to do that for you either.

(obligatory ego buster section)

I really believe that you don’t need anybody who doesn’t think you’re so fucking awesome you must poop rainbows; they would bore you on the long run.

Please tell me you’re not the kind who needs a “you deserve so much more” speech. Come on, dudette… You own the pussy and the titties, guys dig that. You don’t need anybody saying you deserve someone who gives a shit because you already know it; you probably do poop rainbows. 

Friday, June 3, 2011

Her Next Move in the Game

In a moment of weakness (or clarity, depends on whom you ask) I decided to switch a tutoring class just to fit that Cute Guy schedule. I had no special agenda that included oral sex or other shenanigans, I didn’t even plan on talking to him; at this point, just staring at him and letting out the occasional sigh gets me off... Hell, that worked out fine in Jr. High and I’m not ashamed to admit it’s just as enjoyable in college.

Unfortunately, when I arrived there was just a sit available, in a perfect angle for him to stare at me but not for me to do it (unless I pulled an Exorcist but I heard guys get uncomfortable with that). Instead of paying attention to stuff I may find useful in my upcoming test, I spent the whole hour figuring out how to look sexy while I was flipping my hair, taking notes, pretending to pay attention, turning to the next page; you can’t imagine how stressful that is… I’m just glad I didn’t choke when I tried to give my pen a blowjob.

It’s not uncommon that my thoughts aren’t exactly where they should be. Half of the hours I am inside the library are wasted on updating my sexual fantasies repertory; right now I’m into doing a guy while a couple of his friends are watching… But I’m pretty sure my Physics professor won’t care about that on Monday.

I’m about to find out how well does that diet based on caffeine, aspirins and dirty thoughts work… Wish me luck!