Sunday, July 31, 2011

Make Her Suffocate

You could say I’m going through a “writer’s block”, but that would be unfair; I’m more of an “unprofessional ranter” than a writer.

When you’re a college student, there’s not a lot to rant about when you’re allowed to wake up at 12pm. I could ramble about how much I like a guy, right now, and how he makes my panties tingle… It’d be the equivalent of watching me giggle for half an hour; the first two seconds you’d think it’s all cute and adorable, but, later, you’d just want to punch me on my fucking face.

This is what I’m going to do; I don’t know how it’s going to turn out.  If you have a suggestion, idea, subject or question I could turn into a blog entry, you’re more than welcome to tell me about it:

(it’s all big and shiny because I underestimate people’s abilities to click on a link)

I can’t promise I will follow every suggestion (if I get any… Then it wouldn’t be embarrassing) because I’m not witty enough to write a lot about subjects like rhinos, for example, and you people deserve more than washed up “they are horny!” jokes.

I’m going to be honest with you: I, seriously, see no reason why would somebody want to read about the point of view of a girl who, more than once, has lifted up her dog pretending it’s Simba from The Lion King… I just figure there must be someone else, out there, who is just as bored as I am.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

A Very Good Conversationalist

This is why you, guys, don’t want me to videoblog… Not really.

From now, and until further notice, this blog is a tribute to my dogs.

Monday, July 18, 2011

Perverts and Morons

Ways to Achieve a Lousy Weekend Vacation

White Girl Edition

  • Plan a beach vacation on the days you’re getting your period.
  • Make sure you’re a third-wheel most of the time.

*Experts Challenge: Try to sleep, inside a tiny tent, while
the couple is sexing it up right next to you.
Acknowledge the empty wrap of condoms in the morning.

  • Choose a rainy and windy night to use a short dress.

*Experts Challenge: Flash your panties to a group of guys
you’d only touch with a machete.

  • Get a random dude to offer you illegal drugs in exchange for a blowjob.
  • Have an ambitious 15 year old kid to tag along.
  • Be right next to him when he, finally, decides to puke; extra points if he does it all over your leg.

*Experts Challenge: Avoid thinking about the pneumonia you’re definitely getting, while you wash that leg in the unbearable cold ocean water.

  • Pretend to have a decent conversation with a guy, while he has a passed out teenage cousin on his left side, and a very horny couple fucking on his other side.

*Experts Challenge: Accept the fact that that’s impossible
and you’ll, both, be just awkwardly staring into space.

  • Come to the realization that, even if a porch is a mixture of vomit and sex noises, is the warmest place you’ll be able to find at 4am.

*Experts’ Challenge: Stay there, doing nothing, three hours.

  • Fight, against 50 people, for a place in a bus, at 7am.

*Experts Challenge: Develop a very rational fear that someone,
from that crowd, might have raped you.

  • Spend all night fantasizing about getting back to a tent; then, find that tent completely destroyed by the rain
  • Get more change than you should’ve, after buying something: Realize that’s the happiest you’ve been all weekend.
  • Walk home alone, from the bus station, at 12am, only to find out there’s no one there to open the door.

*Experts Challenge: Forget about self respect
and break down crying on the doorsteps.
Keep crying, even though, you know, no one
would/should feel sorry for the poor rich girl
who didn’t have fun on her beach vacations. 

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Sticky and Sweaty

I’ll just say it: I like porn. Shocking, I know; girls not only like sex, girls like watching other people have sex, who would have thought.

The thing is that I’m also into kink; sometimes I worry I’m not so into conventional sex as I should, but that’s really just between me and the Lord (that’s how I’m calling my future sex partner).

Having those preferences do make, looking for porn, on the internet, an interesting adventure. Since people seemed to enjoy reading what was going through my head while I did something as boring as studying for math, I figured you’d enjoy this treat too.

Trust me, you can’t make this shit up.

0010. Come on, tubegalore, you must have something good for me today.

0011. Bizarre…? I’m not sure my stomach is strong enough to handle this category.

0012. Double blowjob; double fisting; double toying; double penetration anal; double penetration pussy… Damn, if one dick in one hole isn’t enough, you know you have problems…

0014. Saggy tits; sailor; sandwich…!! There’s porn about sandwiches?

0017. I’m going with Lesbian Gangbang.

0028. Oh no… They are going to get a baseball bat into…? Oh, they are… Now I feel bad this poor girl got fucked over with a bat and I’m just going to close the tab.

0030. I just hate these stupid ads all around, they make me lose my focus!

0031. OMG! Is that the Little Mermaid having sex with his father? How is that even possible!? I’ll just click it to…

0032. Well, of course it was spam! Man, I’m like those old people who actually think they are the 10.000.000th visitor!

0038. Bobbi Starr has such a nice set of teeth… She’s adorable… Huh… I think it’s time for a little of testosterone!

0045. Is he going to pee on her? Oh, man! This was such a pleasant video until that happened! Ok, I’ll just pretend he’s cumming.

0046. That would be a lot of semen.

0047. Ok, this is not even normal pee.

0048. No. This isn’t possible; that’s a hose strapped on to a dildo. I’m closing this.

0055. Are hairy pussies in again? How come nobody told me?

0058. It’s just not fair! There are a lot of hot girls doing porn and I can’t get a single attractive dude? How hard is to get a young guy to agree to get paid for having sex…? Instead I just have to look at these lovely young ladies sucking the cock of a midget!

0059. Let’s face it, I can’t afford to have standards.

Friday, July 1, 2011

A Little Premature in my Calculations


If I used tags, this would be under “white girl problems”.