Monday, July 18, 2011

Perverts and Morons

Ways to Achieve a Lousy Weekend Vacation

White Girl Edition

  • Plan a beach vacation on the days you’re getting your period.
  • Make sure you’re a third-wheel most of the time.

*Experts Challenge: Try to sleep, inside a tiny tent, while
the couple is sexing it up right next to you.
Acknowledge the empty wrap of condoms in the morning.

  • Choose a rainy and windy night to use a short dress.

*Experts Challenge: Flash your panties to a group of guys
you’d only touch with a machete.

  • Get a random dude to offer you illegal drugs in exchange for a blowjob.
  • Have an ambitious 15 year old kid to tag along.
  • Be right next to him when he, finally, decides to puke; extra points if he does it all over your leg.

*Experts Challenge: Avoid thinking about the pneumonia you’re definitely getting, while you wash that leg in the unbearable cold ocean water.

  • Pretend to have a decent conversation with a guy, while he has a passed out teenage cousin on his left side, and a very horny couple fucking on his other side.

*Experts Challenge: Accept the fact that that’s impossible
and you’ll, both, be just awkwardly staring into space.

  • Come to the realization that, even if a porch is a mixture of vomit and sex noises, is the warmest place you’ll be able to find at 4am.

*Experts’ Challenge: Stay there, doing nothing, three hours.

  • Fight, against 50 people, for a place in a bus, at 7am.

*Experts Challenge: Develop a very rational fear that someone,
from that crowd, might have raped you.

  • Spend all night fantasizing about getting back to a tent; then, find that tent completely destroyed by the rain
  • Get more change than you should’ve, after buying something: Realize that’s the happiest you’ve been all weekend.
  • Walk home alone, from the bus station, at 12am, only to find out there’s no one there to open the door.

*Experts Challenge: Forget about self respect
and break down crying on the doorsteps.
Keep crying, even though, you know, no one
would/should feel sorry for the poor rich girl
who didn’t have fun on her beach vacations. 

11 comments:

  1. If you've achieved all that, you should buy a lottery ticket. If not, you should write for hollywood (the meet-the-parents kind of "how could it get worse?" movies).

    "may have raped you" does imply that said rape did happen. You either need to change may that to "could" (or potentially "might"), or explain ...

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  2. I have questions about the 'rape' portion of your post. Please explain!

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  3. I think you were Hitler in a past life.
    Only possible explanation...

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  4. You seem to be feeling down, so I'll tell you a funny story that an ex-café-manager told me.

    To give you a bit of background, in my country, custom has it that café or bar employees start refusing new customers past a certain hour (naturally, since it's the closing time), but they are not allowed to kick out the remaining customers. So if you're an employee and the closing time is at 1 AM, yet you have a persistent group of four people that just won't leave even after 3 AM, tough luck, you have to stick around and serve them until they leave of their own accord.

    So this friend of mine was the manager of this really classy place, where they played Pink Floyd and such. He usually left pretty early, leaving behind three-four employees to wait on the remaining customers.

    One night, he realized he forgot something at the café while on his way home, so he went back. As he got there, he discovered the trick that his machiavellian employees came up with in order to get rid of "late birds": they'd put house music or screamer metal on the speakers -- disgruntled, the customers would leave almost immediately.

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  5. Speaking as someone who listens to or has listened to both house musik and metal (there's no such thing as screamer metal afaik, but I can guess what you're talking about) I'm kinda offended by that :p

    Though I guess ppl who visit a café that normally plays classic rock wouldn't typically like either of these genres too much.

    Some clubs around here use pretty similar methods actually. When they want people to leave they turn on all the lights and start playing ländler music.

    On a more serious note I feel sorry for you Lola. And I'd definitely complain too if my vacation would've sucked as hard as what you're describing. Just because someone somewhere in the world has bigger problems doesn't mean you don't have the right too complain. Otherwise people who were just broken up with wouldn't have the right to complain either - after all somewhere in Africa 6 year olds are forced to shoot their own families.

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  6. impressive
    3hours?!?

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  7. I have in all my partying years have never had an experience that bad. At some point you I would think at some point you would have to cut your losses and go home.

    *Pro Tip: Know your exits. Do not get into a situation with no viable exits.

    PS I still feel sorry for you.

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  8. Lightning Round Double Points: Do it all over again except naked

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  9. Aww! Mi amor! I'm sorry that your vacation was terrible :( You should have come to visit me instead!!

    PS, I love the line about only touching them with a machete, can I borrow it?

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  10. @bob. Changed! You can’t say I don’t listen to you.

    @deep. I’m expecting a little bastard on 9 months.

    @Martin. Oh… So many inappropriate and politically incorrect jokes…. I should better shut up.

    @xarnae. I was about to say the same thing dom said… The whole turning the lights on on bars.

    @dom. Thank you <3 I’m not being sarcastic, I seriously love when people give me permission to complain.

    @Anon. You mean the guys fucking for 3 hours? Yeah… I guess. They took their time. A lot of foreplay; a handjob for her and then a hand job for him.

    @Jules. Well, this was a non-available exits situation. I was stuck in a town where I knew no one but the 4 people that were there.

    @Aboob. You do it, mister.

    @randomdanni. Oh, of course… That would just be $1.99

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  11. Excellent read. I need a cold shower now.

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