Ways to Achieve a Lousy Weekend Vacation
White Girl Edition
- Plan a beach vacation on the days you’re getting your period.
- Make sure you’re a third-wheel most of the time.
*Experts Challenge: Try to sleep, inside a tiny tent, while
the couple is sexing it up right next to you.
Acknowledge the empty wrap of condoms in the morning.
- Choose a rainy and windy night to use a short dress.
*Experts Challenge: Flash your panties to a group of guys
you’d only touch with a machete.
- Get a random dude to offer you illegal drugs in exchange for a blowjob.
- Have an ambitious 15 year old kid to tag along.
- Be right next to him when he, finally, decides to puke; extra points if he does it all over your leg.
*Experts Challenge: Avoid thinking about the pneumonia you’re definitely getting, while you wash that leg in the unbearable cold ocean water.
- Pretend to have a decent conversation with a guy, while he has a passed out teenage cousin on his left side, and a very horny couple fucking on his other side.
*Experts Challenge: Accept the fact that that’s impossible
and you’ll, both, be just awkwardly staring into space.
- Come to the realization that, even if a porch is a mixture of vomit and sex noises, is the warmest place you’ll be able to find at 4am.
*Experts’ Challenge: Stay there, doing nothing, three hours.
- Fight, against 50 people, for a place in a bus, at 7am.
*Experts Challenge: Develop a very rational fear that someone,
from that crowd, might have raped you.
- Spend all night fantasizing about getting back to a tent; then, find that tent completely destroyed by the rain
- Get more change than you should’ve, after buying something: Realize that’s the happiest you’ve been all weekend.
- Walk home alone, from the bus station, at 12am, only to find out there’s no one there to open the door.
*Experts Challenge: Forget about self respect
and break down crying on the doorsteps.
Keep crying, even though, you know, no one
would/should feel sorry for the poor rich girl
who didn’t have fun on her beach vacations.