Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Always Kissing Each Other a Lot in Public

Dear 15 year-old me:

Hi! This is a future and sexy version of you talking… Because, yeah! You’re not going to be so funny looking for that long; though, I shouldn’t have said that, you’re meant to develop a sense of humor to persuade people into liking us.

There are a lot things I could say about your questionable taste on clothes, hair, men, eyeliner and clothes, again (…sorry) but 1) you’re a moody teenager who already knows everything!1! and 2) I’m my awesome self thanks to your mistakes, so I kinda maybe need you to mess up okthanksbye.

Of course, I wouldn’t be contacting you if I wasn’t planning on being remotely helpful. Here’s my only piece of advice:

Stop crying about him. Really. Just stop. Yes, we are talking about the same dude. Now, suck it up, it’s not that bad and… I really shouldn’t be saying this… You’re totally going to bang a British guy, a hot one, a nice one, a really cool one… I know, right? He’s the kind of guy who’ll get you to dance in the middle of a store, but, also, the kind of guy who does this awesome thing with his- you know what? You’re too young for this. But, now that you know about it, you have to promise me to be cool, ok? BE COOL!

My point is: you spend too much time whining and complaining. Is not as cool as you think to be unhappy. The sooner you learn that really good things happen when you, occasionally, get that stick out of your ass, the better. Things are just as bad as you made them out to be.

Extra helpful tips, since I’m effing nice.

  • A Krispy Kreme doughnut is the fastest way to temporarily fill that little void in your heart.
  • In case of a hickey: Just wear your hair down.

Sincerely,
21 year-old you

P.S. I’m sorry to keep bothering you, just one quick favor: In a few years you’re getting a puppy; could you be a darling and keep your closet door closed while she’s going through that adorable chewing phase? We really loved those shoes. Thank you.

Friday, September 2, 2011

Nothing

I hate…

Twilight
because I have heard a grown woman say “omg! If I meet an Edward, I will dump my fiancĂ©e lol!1”

Apple
because if I ever get another superior touched-by-the-angel-of-technology kind of look, I will start burning Starbucks down, where all the kids who are willing to overpay for appearance hang out.

Harry Potter
because… Ok, I don’t really hate Harry Potter… But I might if this MY CHILDHOOD IS OFFICIALLY OVER trend doesn’t fade out, soon.
You’re twenty-fucking-five, for crying out loud, get a grip!

That’s right, kids… I hate products based on their fanbases; I hate fanbases because they full of… fans; and fans are obsessed with/have a passion for something, which (and this is when it gets dramatic.. Run! RUN, I TELL YOU!):

I DO NOT.

There’s not a product/idea/goal that gets me off my lazy (but perky) ass; for that same reason, I feel I have no path in life… I’m studying architecture because I figured it’s nice and cool to say I’m someone who’s creative, smart and likes hanging out with gay dudes, but I’m not entirely sure I want to be an architect.

I don’t feel a real big passion for architecture, or drawing, or math, or physics, or art… Or nothing.

I love sex. Man… Do I love sex. That doesn’t count, though; next thing I know I will be joining a fan club for people who like to turning oxygen into carbon dioxide.

I’m going nowhere (and not even very fast to, at least, make it sound cool and clichĂ©)… I am enjoying the ride – a freaking lot – which, I feel is worth mentioning.

Once I got over the typical “I hate everything” teen phase, I can say I have been very happy with my lousy irrelevant existence… So, if worse comes to worst and I don’t get to be one of those people who do what they love, I’d happily settle for loving what I do.