Saturday, October 29, 2011

When You’re Dead, They Really Fix You Up

This year, for Halloween, I was planning on being Dead Body #2, from Freddy vs. Jason… Then, I remember I’m way too cool for that shit.

I’m throwing my own party instead, with such a restrictive guest list it just includes me; going as an stressed architecture student (with bags under my eyes and everything!). Everyone is required to bring their own laptops with AutoCad installed and there will be coffee! Lots and lots of coffee! I will just go ahead and ruin the big surprise: British Man will come late at night, and show, all guest, his penis.

Anyway, Happy Halloween!

Monday, October 24, 2011

Captain of the Debating Team

I’m interrupting my regularly scheduled bullshit for the following
Public Service Announcement:

Raising your self-esteem by bringing down others’ is never cool.
True in everyway; I’m just focusing on two, which, to my disdain, are very in right now.

Big, Curvy Girls: I get it! You are the ones with the boobies and the booty. You are the ones who have the guys mentally masturbating to your cleavage; awesome. It would be politically incorrect for me to say my size 2 jeans are sexier-than-thou; pretty please, don’t say I have a little boy’s body because I don’t fill your double D’s.

Virginal Girls:  You’re right, you won’t get STDs and ‘walks of shame’. Cool…! I can’t say I fully get it but you’re the ones abstaining from sex, so that’s fine. I won’t think of you when I’m asked to sacrifice someone in my Satanic Rites 101, as long as you hold yourself from throwing rocks at me (even if they are metaphorical rocks, I’m just trying to make a point here).

A very wise women once said “baby, I was born this way”, and, baby, truer word was never spoken: I inherit my small frame from my mother. My sexual appetite… I really don’t want to know where that came from, to tell you the truth (I’m here, so, I’m guessing she’s not repulsed by the idea), but that’s not the point. I don’t use sex to make people like me or get favors done; I simply love the tingly sensation, and, by tingly sensation, I mean cock.

To both of you: Fuck it. I won’t eat a fucking cheeseburger*, but I will swallow cum. Lots of it.

Conclusion:
I’m an “anorexic slut” and I love it.

*I do love cheeseburgers. Again, I was just trying to make a point.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Guys that Never Read Books

Main reason why you should never read
“He’s Just Not That Into You”:

What you’ll read
(real excepts)

An excuse is a polite rejection. If he wants to find you, he will. If he’s not calling you, it’s because you’re not on his mind. “I don’t want to be in a serious relationship” truly means “I don’t want to be in a serious relationship with you.” Drinking and drug use are not a path to one’s innermost feelings. Don’t give him the chance to reject you again. He’s married! There’s never a reason to shout at someone unless they are in imminent danger. Cut him off; let him miss you.

 

What you’ll deduce from it

What the fuck am I doing? Of course he doesn’t really like me… I’m just a warm hole for him to put his dick in! I deserve someone who doesn’t make me wait one whole fucking hour for a text…!
I can’t even go crying with my friends. Those idiots are even worse. They’re always talking about “going out for drinks”… THOSE ARE NOT FUCKING PATHS FOR ONE’S INNERMOST FUCKING FEEELINGS!
Forget about telling my brother, either; he already shouted at me, 12 years ago, when I broke his walkman… He has probably been saving up his anger, all this time, and ends up hitting me… I’m pretty sure everyone will understand if I accuse him of domestic violence before anything else happens.
You know who won’t understand, though? My father. He won’t understand because he’s married. Married! There’s a whole chapter about married men here and they’re not good people.
Why is this happening to me? I’M A GOOD PERSON!

 

"We are dying from overthinking. We are slowly killing ourselves by thinking about everything. Think. Think. Think. You can never trust the human mind anyway. It's a death trap."
-Anthony Hopkins

Thursday, October 6, 2011