Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Sex is Something I Just Don't Understand; pt3

As you may had notice (which is not the same thing as ‘cared’, I’m aware), I’ve been absent these past weeks. I had a very hard week of finals followed by a very sexy one of British Man, during which I was able to finish ‘50 shades of Grey’. Dramatic readings included.

Again, I don’t feel like telling you what happened point by point, mainly because nothing really did. Ana and Christian have unrealistic and stiffed conversations, fight, have sex and, at some point, have a family dinner, but that’s about it. The book ends with them breaking up which, if that was indeed the end of it, I’d have thought the story was saved: two people who share sexual attraction can’t work through their differences. It’s not a Jane Austen but it would’ve given it a sense of realism. Nope. There are two more novels in which they get back together, a sister gets kidnapped and they have two kids, in that order… At least that’s what a housewife wrote on her blog; there’s no way I’ll waste more time reading this. The BDSM issue gets tossed aside, making me feel a bit cheated, it was the reason I was drawn into the books for fuck’s sake! I was, in fact, expecting a crappy book, but at the very least, a crappy book about a D/s relationship. This is a very simple book about a rich, handsome and mentally unstable man who gets saved by this “girl next door” persona, oh,  and they have sex. I haven’t even read Danielle Steele but I can assure you, you’d be better off reading Danielle Steele.

At this point there are a thousand blogs criticizing this book; I’ve stumbled into some dedicated solely to correcting its grammar. I’ll use my final entry on the subject to concentrate only on what bugged me the most: the portrayal of BDSM.

Disclaimer: I’m aware this is just a Twilight fan fiction and the author is in her whole right to write on her wet dreams however she pleases; this is not the end of the world… But if I don’t make a big deal out of things I have no blog left!

The author made it pretty clear through her novels she is not only clueless about BDSM, but she is also repulsed by it. She demonized a world she’s very ignorant about.  I’ve already messed around with Christian “I can make girls cum by just pronouncing their names” Grey enough times, so let’s get started with him and get it over with. Through the first book we are told over and over he’s a sicko for wanting to spank women, later in the series we get explained why (let’s thank the housewife again for this information): his birth mother was a crack whore who abused him; he grew up wanting girls who looked like her (Ana being one) to beat the shit out of them and later on, have sex with them… I guess the author took some Freud 101 class. 

I’m pretty sure there’s a reason I grew up to be the way I am. I guess I wasn’t born being a submissive for an English man, something must have happened to make me into it. I have two older brothers, an overprotective father… I’m sure I would be a fun psychological exercise to resolve, but fuck you very much. Do it and I’ll paint a straight line between your mom and your girlfriend’s nipples. However, I had a nice childhood in a loving family that always told me I could do whatever I set my mind into. Since I’m a nice person and I don’t torture little animals in my spare time I consider myself a mentally stable person who likes it when, the guy she’s been with for a year now, grabs her by her throat and whispers into her ear that’s she’s his property. For a book that’s liberating women sexually is making me look like a girl with daddy issues.

Now, my sweet little Ana is not getting away so easily this time…

(I didn’t want to mention 'I’m currently reading ‘The Story of O’ since these 2 books have very little in common other than being kinky novels; also, I’m only half way through it, one of the characters could turn into a sparkling vampire and ruin the whole thing. However, it would help me get my two next points across.)

point no.1 It’s not about orgasms. I think. There are girls who are multi-hyper-mega orgasmic, I know and I’m happy for them. I really am. I, on the other hand, have to work for my supper. I’ve realized I get most of my pleasure out of the brain-fucking and helplessness; sex could get a bit painful or uncomfortable, not get to cum and still be the most satisfactory experience ever. Orgasms are just the cherry on top. The sex scenes in ‘50’ could’ve been enjoyable but dear Ana came all over them. I think it’s interesting that ‘O’ never really describes having an orgasm; she moans and enjoys it but never mentions exploding into a ball of pleasure, I’m pretty sure she did, multiple times, but it’s not a reliable way of rating the experience.  This is, again, about me feeling a bit cheated by this book that was supposed to be so about “omg bondage and stuff”, it didn’t even capture a nice quality of it. It just did what regular porn has been doing this whole time: pretend girls cum by the simple touch of a penis.

point no.2 There’s this scene in the book where she ask him to beat her with a belt because she wanted to know how much it could hurt. In the middle of the session she stood up, called him a sick individual and left. Far from me to defend Christian, you just don’t do this. This is not a “you go, girl!” moment; you don’t ask your partner to do something for you and then insult them when they do. Also, your safe-word is your friend. 

Incidents like this one are bound to happen when you don’t really want to go into a certain scene and just do it to please a pretty man. Ana freaks out after every spanking session and thinks it’s a degrading experience, meanwhile, we have O who get fucked mouth, ass and pussy by a bunch of strangers who then beat the shit out of her in front of her lover. O feels beautiful, empowered and proud of being an object for her man to own and share. I’m definitely not saying “show off your feminism getting gang-banged, girlfriend!” No. If you don’t like getting spanked it doesn’t make  you a coward or a less fascinating person. It doesn’t make you anything other than a person who doesn’t like spanks and who shouldn’t get them.

I guess my main problem with the whole novel is that Ana and Christian never seemed to fulfill each other, with or without the kink. I never really got how could this be considered romance. I’m not an avid member of the BDSM community; I’m quite conservative by their parameters, but I’m able to appreciate the beauty on what they do, while the author of ‘50 shades’ can’t. The book deals with two individuals who get massively scared and insecure every time the other person interacts with someone of the opposite sex while there’s this other couple who is actively having sex with others and don’t get hurt by it because they know they love each other and the rest of the people are just instruments in their games.

What I’m trying to say is that it doesn’t matter if you’re not into getting your ass whipped; if you just have sex with girls that remind you of your mommy; if you want your boyfriend’s friends to bang you under his supervision or you want your friends to bang your girlfriend… It’s about not feeling pity for your- damn- fucking-self.

You know what? No. What I really want to say is that I’ve read Harry Potter fiction that had me hotter than this book (man, do I wish I was kidding!) but it doesn’t really matter, because you don’t publish fan fiction. Jeez!



Saturday, June 9, 2012

Sex is Something I Just Don't Understand; pt2

Bear with me, is finals season and there’s nothing else going in my life other than a mediocre erotic book. I’ll keep analyzing it until something shiny distracts me, mkay?

There was this girl, before I started the book, that said she couldn’t finish it because there was very little character development. I thought “well, she’s majoring in literature or something fancy like that, she must know stuff I’d never notice”. Nope. It doesn’t require a scientist to notice nothing ever happens in 50 Shades of Grey: Bella Ana bitches about Christian for being so fucked up, he introduces her to his mother; she is sad because he doesn’t let her touch him, he buys her a car; she cries because he spanked her, he fucks her. They are going through this back an forth weird dynamic where you end up asking yourself “is she happy?” “is this supposed to be romantic?” “who says ‘Argh!’ during sex?” “Does that make her a pirate?”

I haven't finish the book but this is what has happened so far (that I can remember): she graduated collage; Christian met her dad; her best friend is dating Christian’s brother which reminds me too much of fanfics where all my friends married pop singers; Ana and her bestie moved houses; Christian gave Ana a Mac, a Blackberry and a car; she made up with her rapist friend with a “ just don’t do it again, ok?” *hugs*, all in all while they were still discussing the contract bullshit.

Maybe you are planning on pretending you’ve read it using my recap, but I’m not willing to stop in every single stupid stuff because I’d never end. I’ll, then, give you a list of things to mock while discussing the book with someone else: GBAlizzieM2LD-g

  • Anastasia’s Inner Goddess reminds way too much of the little cartoon in Lizzie McGuire. She’s not simply an inner voice; she’s a full character who does salsa, owns a set of pompons and, sometimes, is just “sitting there”.
  • Christian’s pants keep doing that hanging from his hips. I really don’t understand what’s especial about it, but she mentions it every other page.
  • Just like Twilight there are this oh! –so-clever analogies about the girl’s weakness towards him. Here, instead of a lion and lamb they are: Icarus and the sun; a moth and fire.
  • Anastasia orgasms all over the place, it’s ridiculous. The guy just has to say “hey Ana, how’s it going?” and she explodes into a wave of pure passion. She, then, claims she has never masturbated and never will… Of course you fucking don’t! You just have to wipe your ass and you cum.

… Not so funny matters:  
Notice: From the little knowledge I have on BDSM or simply D/s relationships, there are different ways to start one as an inexperienced person. In my case we were both inexperienced so, I admit, my next points will be based on what I have asked and read from other people rather than personal experience. You can start a life in BDSM  like I did or searching for a skilled Dom or  sub to guide you through or you could bump into one when your partner admits that’s what they are into, which is the case on this book, is also a male Dom the one trying to “gain” a female sub so I’ll focus on what I know about that specific case.

Christian is not a Dom,  he’s an asshole; Anastasia is not his sub,  she’s a naïve idiot with very low self-esteem. There are so many things wrong with this; for start, a good Dom doesn’t force the situation. Hell! A good person shouldn’t manipulate their partner into doing something by telling them they’d leave them if they don’t. From experience I can say that being a sub had me question my  feminism, integrity, morals, independence, etc. Women decide to go through it for various reasons, but this one shouldn’t be one of them:

“Please, let’s do this… [she’s saying to herself] otherwise we’ll end up alone with lots of cats and your classic novels to keep you company.”
-chapter 11

I’ll leave Anastasia alone for now, the poor thing has enough dealing with the fact that she has no personality and is merely a viewpoint for the reader to use. She, at least, has her stupidity as an excuse for not knowing how to deal with such situation. Christian ‘I know what I’m doing’ Grey is my biggest problem. He claims they will take it slow at the beginning, but Chris, my dear… Yes, you’re a genius billionaire who feeds the poor, but where did you learn your definition of slow? Making a girl sign a commitment to you when you just met her 3 weeks ago, forcing her to take oral contraceptive because “boohoo! Condoms are just too uncomfortable for your enormous penis”, and telling her you want to claim her ass (thus, making the contraceptive issue irrelevant) is not taking it slow and you know it, you imbecile! *

*Dear Lola, they are fictional characters. Calm your tits. Thank you.

My concern is that the author is selling this guy out as the perfect man: You! Yes, I’m talking to you, sexually repressed woman! Are you tired of the missionary position? Why don’t you take some Christian Grey! He’s a business man who will buy you shiny stuff! He’s rich! He’s handsome! Sure, he’s emotionally damaged and doesn’t enjoy human contact unless is sexual, but don’t worry! You can change him!  Christian Grey, he will know how to make you scream with pleasure! No. Fuck you. I can buy my own stuff and make myself scream with pleasure at the same time. Stick those childhood traumas up your own ass because you’re not touching mine. 

Saturday, June 2, 2012

Sex is Something I Just Don’t Understand

A couple of months ago I heard about the existence of this new best seller, one that deals with a D/s relationship, 50 Shades of Grey. It all went to hell when I discovered it was originally a fan fiction based on Twilight. I planned to stay away from it, but I have heard so much about the book that I thought “if it’s that bad, I could always blog about it”.

Before I even go through this, I have to get something clear: from the little research I’ve made, this book is opening the door for women to explore their sexual needs, and anything that mainstreams the idea that women enjoy sex is awesome by my standards… Other than that, I can’t wait to destroy the fucking thing.

Oh, and I should probably warn people this next thing contains spoilers, and by that I mean I’m going to tell you what happens on the book point by point.

50 shades of ‘Secretary’ goes-wrong

We are introduced to Anastasia Steele, the narrator who, for all means and purposes, we are calling Bella; a 21 year old college virgin, without any sense of ambition or need to use her vagina for anything other than peeing. She’s set to interview this successful and young entrepreneur, Christian Grey, or Edward. It’s supposed to be a piece for her school paper  but all we really learned from this guy is that: he’s the epitome of male beauty (or, as she sets it: yummy) he’s adopted, not gay, has a “warm and husky [voice] like dark melted chocolate fudge caramel” , is filthy rich and likes controlling people *wink, wink*

Later on we meet two other characters: Kate, her supposed best friend who constantly annoys Bella with her questions (which are not that many or that intrusive, Bella is just a bitch) and beauty (because our heroin is “oh! So bland and clumsy!1”), and Jacob José Luís Rodríguez, whose name I’m keeping because I know about 5 people with that same name.

For a reason unknown for, both, Bella and me, and after just a short and very awkward conversation, Edward becomes obsessed with the girl. She constantly wonders why, since she’s so dull and boring (her words, not mine… I believe her, though), but goes along with it because, according to her, there’s some connection between them. (if you ask me, she wants some dicking)

Since I watched the second Twilight movie I was pretty much predicting an almost rape scene from our dear Jose… Now, I don’t know if the author didn’t do enough research before introducing a latino character, or she thought it would give him a much rounder personality if he didn’t know how to speak spanish properly but, Mr. Rodríguez, if you’re out there, there’s no female form for “cariño”, the word “cariña” does.not.exist. Whatever. Edward saved the day and the drunk Bella, took her to his hotel after tracking up her cellphone or something and… Nothing happened.

Bella was invited to his place the night after that; Edward says she must sign some papers before anything happens between them. She signs the first one, which is a confidentiality contract, without even looking at it. I’m guessing she thought it was just like clicking Accept to that ‘Terms and Conditions’ thingy after installing Photoshop. He shows her his Bondage playroom, because dinner and a movie is so last summer,  and asks her to sign a second contract: to be, officially, his.

Ignoring for a second the very absurd context we are in, where they met each other just a few days ago and haven’t had a real talk…I was somewhat pleasantly surprised. Let’s forget this is a suspiciously unnecessary contract; we are given a couple of pages of what this guy is expecting to get out of this relationship and what his hard limits are, very important issue to deal with before starting any D/s relationship (and I’m not being sarcastic). However, when he asked what her limits are, she had no option but to admit she was a *dramatic music* virgin!  Edward threw a gigantic fit and basically ask what’s wrong with her (which I felt compelled to answer: a lot of things, and being a virgin is not one of them). It took him a couple minutes to relax and do what any gentlemen would do in his place; he volunteered to,  and I quote, “rectify the situation”.

Now, the sex scenes were actually better than I expected but ridiculously unrealistic. Bella sucks as a narrator and kills the mood constantly with lines like “I cry as I feel a weird pinching sensation deep inside me as he rips through my virginity” , but to be fair to this girl, she’s good at sucking since she has “no gag reflex” and is capable of giving a earthshaking blowjob on her first try. Not at all like my first oral sex experience went, as I just stood still with a dick in my mouth asking myself “now what?” , but of course, I’m not a fictional character. This woman doesn’t cease to amaze us by, also, having 3 orgasms on her first time, 2 through penetrative sex and the first one through her nipples… Some are just lucky bitches.

Not everything is bad, of course, I must admit Edward is a decent dirty talker. I was so reminded of British Man when he asked Bella to cum for him that I had no other option but to take a break,  look for real porn and masturbate to that. Yes, he was doing well until this happened.

Oh! Turning to face him, I’m shocked to find he has his erection firmly in his grasp. My mouth drops open.
“I want you to become well acquainted, on first name terms if you will, with my favor­ite and most cherished part of my body. I’m very attached to this.”
- Chapter 9

I’m through one third of the book and I’m already annoyed at Bella’s overstated innocence, I’m amazed she even knew where her vagina was. She didn’t seem to have any interest in sex or BDSM, and she gives the impression she’s just going through it because Edward is so damn pretty. It’s not like he is helping her show her submissive side either, the bitch is a submissive in every aspect of her life.

Same thing goes for the Edward guy; the author is trying to push this “Dominant with a sensitive side” kind of profile but all I get is a man with a heavy obsessive-compulsive disorder. He claims to want Bella but states clearly that, if she doesn’t agree to that kind of relationship, they won’t be having any relationship at all. He doesn’t want to have power over Bella whilst taking care of her, he simply wants any power he can get. A Dominant is not the same thing as a controlling jerk. At all.

I, however, can’t be seen caring too much about this. My short attention span is forcing me to continue this another day.