Saturday, June 9, 2012

Sex is Something I Just Don't Understand; pt2

Bear with me, is finals season and there’s nothing else going in my life other than a mediocre erotic book. I’ll keep analyzing it until something shiny distracts me, mkay?

There was this girl, before I started the book, that said she couldn’t finish it because there was very little character development. I thought “well, she’s majoring in literature or something fancy like that, she must know stuff I’d never notice”. Nope. It doesn’t require a scientist to notice nothing ever happens in 50 Shades of Grey: Bella Ana bitches about Christian for being so fucked up, he introduces her to his mother; she is sad because he doesn’t let her touch him, he buys her a car; she cries because he spanked her, he fucks her. They are going through this back an forth weird dynamic where you end up asking yourself “is she happy?” “is this supposed to be romantic?” “who says ‘Argh!’ during sex?” “Does that make her a pirate?”

I haven't finish the book but this is what has happened so far (that I can remember): she graduated collage; Christian met her dad; her best friend is dating Christian’s brother which reminds me too much of fanfics where all my friends married pop singers; Ana and her bestie moved houses; Christian gave Ana a Mac, a Blackberry and a car; she made up with her rapist friend with a “ just don’t do it again, ok?” *hugs*, all in all while they were still discussing the contract bullshit.

Maybe you are planning on pretending you’ve read it using my recap, but I’m not willing to stop in every single stupid stuff because I’d never end. I’ll, then, give you a list of things to mock while discussing the book with someone else: GBAlizzieM2LD-g

  • Anastasia’s Inner Goddess reminds way too much of the little cartoon in Lizzie McGuire. She’s not simply an inner voice; she’s a full character who does salsa, owns a set of pompons and, sometimes, is just “sitting there”.
  • Christian’s pants keep doing that hanging from his hips. I really don’t understand what’s especial about it, but she mentions it every other page.
  • Just like Twilight there are this oh! –so-clever analogies about the girl’s weakness towards him. Here, instead of a lion and lamb they are: Icarus and the sun; a moth and fire.
  • Anastasia orgasms all over the place, it’s ridiculous. The guy just has to say “hey Ana, how’s it going?” and she explodes into a wave of pure passion. She, then, claims she has never masturbated and never will… Of course you fucking don’t! You just have to wipe your ass and you cum.

… Not so funny matters:  
Notice: From the little knowledge I have on BDSM or simply D/s relationships, there are different ways to start one as an inexperienced person. In my case we were both inexperienced so, I admit, my next points will be based on what I have asked and read from other people rather than personal experience. You can start a life in BDSM  like I did or searching for a skilled Dom or  sub to guide you through or you could bump into one when your partner admits that’s what they are into, which is the case on this book, is also a male Dom the one trying to “gain” a female sub so I’ll focus on what I know about that specific case.

Christian is not a Dom,  he’s an asshole; Anastasia is not his sub,  she’s a naïve idiot with very low self-esteem. There are so many things wrong with this; for start, a good Dom doesn’t force the situation. Hell! A good person shouldn’t manipulate their partner into doing something by telling them they’d leave them if they don’t. From experience I can say that being a sub had me question my  feminism, integrity, morals, independence, etc. Women decide to go through it for various reasons, but this one shouldn’t be one of them:

“Please, let’s do this… [she’s saying to herself] otherwise we’ll end up alone with lots of cats and your classic novels to keep you company.”
-chapter 11

I’ll leave Anastasia alone for now, the poor thing has enough dealing with the fact that she has no personality and is merely a viewpoint for the reader to use. She, at least, has her stupidity as an excuse for not knowing how to deal with such situation. Christian ‘I know what I’m doing’ Grey is my biggest problem. He claims they will take it slow at the beginning, but Chris, my dear… Yes, you’re a genius billionaire who feeds the poor, but where did you learn your definition of slow? Making a girl sign a commitment to you when you just met her 3 weeks ago, forcing her to take oral contraceptive because “boohoo! Condoms are just too uncomfortable for your enormous penis”, and telling her you want to claim her ass (thus, making the contraceptive issue irrelevant) is not taking it slow and you know it, you imbecile! *

*Dear Lola, they are fictional characters. Calm your tits. Thank you.

My concern is that the author is selling this guy out as the perfect man: You! Yes, I’m talking to you, sexually repressed woman! Are you tired of the missionary position? Why don’t you take some Christian Grey! He’s a business man who will buy you shiny stuff! He’s rich! He’s handsome! Sure, he’s emotionally damaged and doesn’t enjoy human contact unless is sexual, but don’t worry! You can change him!  Christian Grey, he will know how to make you scream with pleasure! No. Fuck you. I can buy my own stuff and make myself scream with pleasure at the same time. Stick those childhood traumas up your own ass because you’re not touching mine. 


  1. I've read the whole book, and, I hate to spoil the surprise plot twist at the end, but, she is a pirate. Skull and crossbones ship, galley full of plunder, the whole bit.

    1. Laugh all you want but that would make the story fairly interesting.

    2. Did you get to the "steal an alien spaceship and time-travel" yet?
      That makes the dull sex awesome!

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  3. I just found you via "failblog" comments. Your postings made me bark laugh. Keep it up.

    1. Ha. I didn't even know I still got visits from failblog. That's cool.

  4. Keep up the summary, I really don't want to read it, but would really like a bases for calling it a crappy story in the case I am in a conversation where this book is brought up. Is it really a trilogy?

    My wife stated she wanted to read this book. I am just wondering now how far she is going to get before she burns it in disgust. You have a far more open mind about sex and are having issue swallowing it.

    1. I have a hard time swallowing this book because it's not a very good one; the sex scenes are not that shocking... However, it has made some women blush, so what do I know.