Saturday, June 2, 2012

Sex is Something I Just Don’t Understand

A couple of months ago I heard about the existence of this new best seller, one that deals with a D/s relationship, 50 Shades of Grey. It all went to hell when I discovered it was originally a fan fiction based on Twilight. I planned to stay away from it, but I have heard so much about the book that I thought “if it’s that bad, I could always blog about it”.

Before I even go through this, I have to get something clear: from the little research I’ve made, this book is opening the door for women to explore their sexual needs, and anything that mainstreams the idea that women enjoy sex is awesome by my standards… Other than that, I can’t wait to destroy the fucking thing.

Oh, and I should probably warn people this next thing contains spoilers, and by that I mean I’m going to tell you what happens on the book point by point.

50 shades of ‘Secretary’ goes-wrong

We are introduced to Anastasia Steele, the narrator who, for all means and purposes, we are calling Bella; a 21 year old college virgin, without any sense of ambition or need to use her vagina for anything other than peeing. She’s set to interview this successful and young entrepreneur, Christian Grey, or Edward. It’s supposed to be a piece for her school paper  but all we really learned from this guy is that: he’s the epitome of male beauty (or, as she sets it: yummy) he’s adopted, not gay, has a “warm and husky [voice] like dark melted chocolate fudge caramel” , is filthy rich and likes controlling people *wink, wink*

Later on we meet two other characters: Kate, her supposed best friend who constantly annoys Bella with her questions (which are not that many or that intrusive, Bella is just a bitch) and beauty (because our heroin is “oh! So bland and clumsy!1”), and Jacob José Luís Rodríguez, whose name I’m keeping because I know about 5 people with that same name.

For a reason unknown for, both, Bella and me, and after just a short and very awkward conversation, Edward becomes obsessed with the girl. She constantly wonders why, since she’s so dull and boring (her words, not mine… I believe her, though), but goes along with it because, according to her, there’s some connection between them. (if you ask me, she wants some dicking)

Since I watched the second Twilight movie I was pretty much predicting an almost rape scene from our dear Jose… Now, I don’t know if the author didn’t do enough research before introducing a latino character, or she thought it would give him a much rounder personality if he didn’t know how to speak spanish properly but, Mr. Rodríguez, if you’re out there, there’s no female form for “cariño”, the word “cariña” does.not.exist. Whatever. Edward saved the day and the drunk Bella, took her to his hotel after tracking up her cellphone or something and… Nothing happened.

Bella was invited to his place the night after that; Edward says she must sign some papers before anything happens between them. She signs the first one, which is a confidentiality contract, without even looking at it. I’m guessing she thought it was just like clicking Accept to that ‘Terms and Conditions’ thingy after installing Photoshop. He shows her his Bondage playroom, because dinner and a movie is so last summer,  and asks her to sign a second contract: to be, officially, his.

Ignoring for a second the very absurd context we are in, where they met each other just a few days ago and haven’t had a real talk…I was somewhat pleasantly surprised. Let’s forget this is a suspiciously unnecessary contract; we are given a couple of pages of what this guy is expecting to get out of this relationship and what his hard limits are, very important issue to deal with before starting any D/s relationship (and I’m not being sarcastic). However, when he asked what her limits are, she had no option but to admit she was a *dramatic music* virgin!  Edward threw a gigantic fit and basically ask what’s wrong with her (which I felt compelled to answer: a lot of things, and being a virgin is not one of them). It took him a couple minutes to relax and do what any gentlemen would do in his place; he volunteered to,  and I quote, “rectify the situation”.

Now, the sex scenes were actually better than I expected but ridiculously unrealistic. Bella sucks as a narrator and kills the mood constantly with lines like “I cry as I feel a weird pinching sensation deep inside me as he rips through my virginity” , but to be fair to this girl, she’s good at sucking since she has “no gag reflex” and is capable of giving a earthshaking blowjob on her first try. Not at all like my first oral sex experience went, as I just stood still with a dick in my mouth asking myself “now what?” , but of course, I’m not a fictional character. This woman doesn’t cease to amaze us by, also, having 3 orgasms on her first time, 2 through penetrative sex and the first one through her nipples… Some are just lucky bitches.

Not everything is bad, of course, I must admit Edward is a decent dirty talker. I was so reminded of British Man when he asked Bella to cum for him that I had no other option but to take a break,  look for real porn and masturbate to that. Yes, he was doing well until this happened.

Oh! Turning to face him, I’m shocked to find he has his erection firmly in his grasp. My mouth drops open.
“I want you to become well acquainted, on first name terms if you will, with my favor­ite and most cherished part of my body. I’m very attached to this.”
- Chapter 9

I’m through one third of the book and I’m already annoyed at Bella’s overstated innocence, I’m amazed she even knew where her vagina was. She didn’t seem to have any interest in sex or BDSM, and she gives the impression she’s just going through it because Edward is so damn pretty. It’s not like he is helping her show her submissive side either, the bitch is a submissive in every aspect of her life.

Same thing goes for the Edward guy; the author is trying to push this “Dominant with a sensitive side” kind of profile but all I get is a man with a heavy obsessive-compulsive disorder. He claims to want Bella but states clearly that, if she doesn’t agree to that kind of relationship, they won’t be having any relationship at all. He doesn’t want to have power over Bella whilst taking care of her, he simply wants any power he can get. A Dominant is not the same thing as a controlling jerk. At all.

I, however, can’t be seen caring too much about this. My short attention span is forcing me to continue this another day.


  1. you should write an entry about the first time you gave oral sex

    1. I could give it a shot, of course… But I’m not sure I’ll be able to come up with something else than “so I had a penis in my mouth and just after that I didn’t anymore”

    2. You should write and instruction manual,

      Step 1. Put penis in mouth
      Step 2. ...?

      You should do a side-by-side comparison of the novel to real life D/S relationship.

    3. I’d like to do this, but it will be tricky because I don’t want to come off as a know it all… Especially since I’m fairly ignorant. All I have is internet research and a current relationship in which we are taking baby steps because we know how complicated and messy this specific world could be if you’re not careful.
      I do however, have common sense, and know that you probably shouldn’t take a step on a relationship you’re not ready to just because your partner is pressuring you and don’t want to lose him or her because of how attractive they are…. So I could work on that.

  2. Not to be a dick about things, but as a former Nursing student I do feel the need to point out that, as a general rule, nobody should be peeing from their vagina.

    1. And as a current architecture student I feel the need to point out that you’re completely right. However… If I write “she just used her urethra to pee” could be misleading, since on this book (as far as I can tell) she won’t learn to use it any other way.
      Oh dear, I just don’t want to erase the joke… It followed me home, can we keep it pleaaaase? <3

  3. I'm really enjoying the design and layout of your website. It's a very easy on the eyes which makes it much more enjoyable for me to come here and visit more often. Did you hire out a developer to create your theme? Fantastic work!
    Also visit my blog post :: sushi rice

  4. Hmm it appears like your site ate my first comment (it was super long) so
    I guess I'll just sum it up what I wrote and say, I'm thoroughly enjoying your blog. I as well am an aspiring blog writer but I'm still new to the whole thing. Do you have any helpful hints for newbie blog writers? I'd really appreciate it.
    My web blog :

  5. Are you people spam?
    You don't really like my blog, right?
    I don't understand why everybody hates me! *sobs*

    1. We don't hate you, but we sure do hate these spambots. Feel free to delete them before they reproduce.

    2. No. No.
      I like pretending they are real. Makes me feel wanted.