Friday, December 26, 2014

it's very beautiful over there

Something happened since the last time I wrote here and, specifically, since I googled Lance Bass’ birthday: I found out he published an autobiography back in 2008. After spending 2 whole minutes determining if I should buy or not, I realized there was no one around to impress, so of course I bought it. It took me less than a week to finish it. Not that I need a defense (I regret absolutely nothing) but, even if you have been a teen sensation, at 29 there’s not enough material to write a long memoir.

I’m not going to review the book, it really doesn’t fit with where I’m going… Also, I couldn’t come up with witty remarks. I tried. But I am going to say that I enjoyed reading it. I can’t find a better way to describe it but as a nostalgia trip. Like when you listen to that song you used to love, and you remember that place, that person, the laughs, the tears or the color of the sky, with that touch of magic that just old half-forgotten memories achieve.

There was a time in my life I was embarrassed of saying I used to be an NSYNC fan, when I was a Green Day fan. It would be hard to be taken seriously when talking about the authenticity of the music when just a few years ago my room was full of NSYNC memorabilia. At that time I failed to notice there was no real difference between both situations and I was just falling into somebody else’s marketing plan.

Today I’m not ashamed of saying I was a huge fan of either band. When I loved Green Day “life sucked”, “love sucked”, everything sucked. I used to say the word “suck” a lot, and not in the way I use it nowadays.  I was an angry teenager and I needed angry music. With NSYNC I was naïve, but happy. I was still unpopular and awkward, but I forgot about all that when I got home and I made out with one of my NSYNC posters while listening to their albums.

My best friend at the time was another NSYNC fan. I don’t know if we got into it at the same time, or I told her this was the only way for us to stay friends. We both had our favorite. I loved Lance and she loved JC, and we would both spend hours talking about how dreamy our boyfriends were. Now you think I’m using the “boyfriend” term as one of my silly jokes. But I was so invested in making it work I am absolutely convinced it counts as a relationship, regardless of whether Lance was a aware of this or not… I love how I just wrote that sentence as if there was a chance Lance Bass knew he was in a relationship with me. I swear I didn’t think about it.

Anyway, I was telling you about this friend. One of our favorite games was to act out different scenarios. Sometimes we were pop stars, sometimes no one was; there could be break ups, other girls or other guys, but the ending was always the same: happy and with Lance/JC by our side. It was funny because our stories ran at the same time; she could be at one side of the room pretending to have an argument with the wall, while I was at the other side making sweet love to the air (I’m not kidding, but I do admit we weren’t very knowledgeable in that area, so we just flopped around like a dying fish and call it sex).

As if it wasn’t enough to marry Lance in my games, I had to put it down on writing, which gives me the right to say: I wrote fan-fics. My other hobbies were: to practice their choreography, be updated on their lives, maintaining my own NSYNC website (you know, the sparkly yahoo ones?), playing their board game… Oh, the board game, of course!

The board game consisted on getting backstage (“to give them a blowjob” Boyfriend said when I explained him; “OF COURSE I WOULD BLOW JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE, MY LOVE, I MEAN, WOULDN’T YOU?” I said calmly). You’d have to answer NSYNC trivia, and for every right answer you’d get closer to the stage. But you’d have to reach the security guy which held your passwords, so it could take you a couple of tries. It doesn’t matter, it was awesome, believe me. I was very good at it too, ask my brothers. The poor guys didn’t know shit about NSYNC, so they had to make it up along the way. Then they would say it was unfair because I already knew all of the answers. But you wouldn’t call it unfair if someone who studied for the exam gets a better grade than you, WOULD YOU?

While writing this I felt the need various times of toning it down, or to excuse my behavior some way, probably because being a fangirl isn’t something admirable or even respectable. One could argue that most terms with the word “girl” in them have some kind of negative connotation, but that’s a subject for another day.  People like making fun of girls who cry because they didn’t get tickets for that One Direction concert, or when they cry because they did get them and they are so happy… and I think those who make fun of it are kinda sad in a way.

I have attended my brother’s wedding; I have graduated high-school; I have gotten into the college I wanted, twice; I have made out with that really cute guy I had a crush on; I have been in love; I have had a good life so far. And I can say with confidence: I have never felt again that selfless passion for anything else. Understand this: I’m not comparing the amount of “love” here, I’m talking about its form. There’s no other way to explain it but saying it’s like how you’re never in love twice quite in the same way. As we get older, we learn that showing too much excitement for something is very uncool. Nothing is ever that great, so we better keep our shit together.

It’s true I got nothing I could put on my CV out of watching all those music videos and learning five random guys’ favorite colors. But life is two seconds long, and I get to say that once I was very uncool and very happy at the same time. And, if I ever have kids, no matter if they are girls or boys, I hope they go through their own fangirl phase. 

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